PS 3505 
.0557 
T4 
1917 
Copy 1 




$io,ooo 



FOR 



Mss. Rejection Slips 



+ 



By $AM RUD COOK, T. R. 





$10,000 For 
Mss, Rejection Slips 




By $ani Rud Cook, T, R, 




Copyright 1917 
By Sam Rud Cook 






©CI, A 4? IB] 8 

AUG -2 1917 



*• / » 



Dear Reader: 

Disraeli made a failure when he first at- 
tempted to address the House of Commons, 
but he said : " I have begun many things 
several times, and have often succeeded at 
last. I shall sit down now, but you will hear 
me some day." From that day he became 
the leader of the Young England Party. 

Perhaps you will not hear me now, yet 
you shall some day, or some body must! 

This is no braggadocio, but confidence in 
admiration for the " phrase-plays " profes- 
sion. 

What blunders you here see, no wonder 
to me; your thunder of this will advertise 
" U. S." the more, so get busy and roar. 

This is an autograph copy, which someday 
might be worth $10,000 — less than one dollar 
more, even if the Mss are not worth 98c. 

With good wishes to all, I am, 

Respectfully, 



June 1917. 

" Silverdale Woods' 

Rockport, Ind. 



Wilson's White Wargade 

Since Teddy failed to go 
With unit 'oer to France, 
I should like the world to know- 
Wilson's White Wargade, tho 
With stronger, greater blow ; 
Thus end all vile war trance, 
So each soul gets fair show 
To heaven here advance. 

Let Wilson's White Wargade 
Have only men with name — 
Of Wilson, well arrayed 
With manly, noble grade; 
So nothing is delayed 
In honor of war's game — 
For Will's staid, of sons made— « 
Our nation's valored fame! 



+ 



Opul 



ence 



Of rich things I have seen, 
Ambition fills a nitch ; 
And a stich-in-time keen, 
Or kind deed to the mean — 
At present we think " bean " 
Is treasure worth a hitch ; 
But valor more serene 
Is Governor James Goodrich! 



m .: TOAST 



My Dear Sam: 

I am just in from a lecture tour, and find your "good 
stuff " on my table. I have gone thru it carefully, and YOU 
CERTAINLY SHOW AN INSIGHT INTO THE HEART 
OF THINGS THAT IS VERY EXCELLENT. 

If you are ever in our vicinity I hope you will come and 
see me. 

Yours sincerely, 

ELBERT HUBBARD. 

Note : The famous philosopher and editor of The Phili- 
stine, of East Aurora, N. Y., penned the above just shortly 
before he lost his life, with his wife, when the Lusitania 
sunk. 

"In my opinion your stories have many good qualities." 
A. B. Lowder, editor Household Journal, with 400,000 cir- 
culation. 

" Cook's book proves that this genius has good intel- 
lectual powers which he can easily employ for his literary 
progress and success." Dr. H. P. Holler, President Oriential 
University, Washington, D. C. 

Executive Department 
State of Indiana 

Indianapolis, Ind., May 31, 1917. 
Mr. Sam Rud Cook, 
Rockport, Ind. 
Dear Sir : 

I have read your story with considerable enjoyment. 

With best wishes, I remain. 

Very truly yours, 

J. P. GOODRICH, Governor. 

" I dare not send you a rejection slip. Your Mss are 
spritely interesting. "Anna Rankin, editor Southern 
Woman's Magazine, Nashville, Tenn. 

Miss Rankin sent this after reading "$10,000 for Mss 
Rejection Slips." 



,000 For Mss Rejection Slips 

"Kindly find enclosed Mss. and stamp. Send me one of 
your 'Rejection Slips.' " 

That was the note Nat Rep enclosed with various Mss. 
he submitted to leading magazine editors. 

"What does the boob mean? I almost have a desire to 
accept this Mss. !" exclaimed Editor Birdshot of Somebody's 
Magazine. "It is a good story, but his name isn't known ; 
besides, he's too original. Guess I'll decline with thanks." 

So it went on for weeks, months, years. Finally, Nat 
prepared a critical review of the lingo blunders of many 
rejection slips. In part it read : 

The Sharp Set Magazine has the habit of saying in R. S. 
"We are grateful of opportunity to SEE this Mss. AND re- 
gret that its use is impossible at this moment." 

Would they READ material instead of SEEING they 
might find something valuable. Besides, they acknowledge 
they are not only grateful to see the Mss., but grateful to 
reject, by the use of word AND. BUT should be employed 
instead of AND regrets. Authors don't expect articles to 
be used at this moment, but in the next few weeks, or 
months. In fact, if editors would pay this moment, authors 
would not care when articles are published. 

Another Land & Street Magazine always says : "Mss are 
read by one editor AND IF FOUND AVAILABLE, will 
then be considered by others of our publications." 

Sure, Mss. are supposed to be read by one, or more, edi- 
tors, but not by AND IF FOUND AVAILABLE. AND 
should be cut out and period used. 

Another says : "Editors would be glad to give their per- 
sonal attention to the many who ojffer their contributions, 
the very number of these authors makes such a proceeding 
impossible." Authors don't ask personal attention to them- 
selves, but to their Mss. What number of author are you ? 
I'm No. 1 and "23." What they wish to say is this : "Ed- 
itors would gladly give personal attention to every Mss. sub- 
mitted, but the large quantity submitted makes such a pro- 
ceeding impractical." 



The A. D. Sorter Publishing House says : "This Mss. was 
accompanied by insufficient postage." How can anything 
be accompanied, yet be insufficient? What they mean to 
infer is: "The Mss. was NOT accompanied by sufficient 
postage." 

Hundreds of such criticisms were given, with addresses 
of real publishers, as Nat had the original Rejection Slips in 
his possession. Then he hunted for a publisher to issue 
his literary experience. He ran an ad in the Editorial 
Journal, thus : 

"50,000 Rejection Slips for sale. All received by me in 
30 years while I tried to sell my Mss." 

Nat received scores of offers. One editor sent a detec- 
tive to investigate. Murphy, the sleuth, found dates, titles, 
etc., of Nat's records corresponded with editorial tabula- 
tions at New York, Chicago, Philadelphia and other maga- 
zine headquarters. 

Finally the detective said : "We will pay you $10,000 for 
your collection of Rejection Slips. All we ask is that you 
give us the sole right to publish your future stories, and let 
us use photo and history of yourself." 

"Good Lord ! shouted Nat, as he waved his cap in the air 
like a British Jackie at Dover defying German Kultur. 
"Rejection slips! But this is a case where rejections are 
valuable. I accept your offer." 

Soon the book was published. It was eagerly read by 
editors, reviewers, critics, and especially by 20,000 pseudo- 
writers. Now Nat Rep has extra offers for more work than 
he has time to turn out, tho he pounds a standard type- 
writer eagerly every day from eight in the morning until 
midnight. However, he is a happy guy and derives much 
joy from his work. 



!fi S W 



"When left to shift for yourself," you might do better if 
you stick to your shift. 



Wilson's Famous War Bed 

The Beyoar Church was in debt at Lincoln City, Indiana. 
Rev. I. B. Nice, who was sent there the past year, resigned 
because Deacon Hardknot proposed to have the Lord's sup- 
per conducted with a teaspoonf ul of synthic wine diluted in 
a pitcher of Honey Creek water, since Hoosierdom voted 
"bone dry." 

Without a pastor to lead, the church got in debt for its 
insurance, coal, Sunday School literature. Sexton and Pre- 
siding Elder salaries. 

Nat Rep who had traveled in Cuba and knew how to con- 
duct a lottery at a Catholic Fair without coming in conflict 
with the state law, or rather contradicting the administra- 
ters of presumptive statute, so he offered his services. 

"I'll liquidate your church and get a standing bequest so 
a pastor can be secured regularly." 

"How vv^ill you do it?" questioned Deacon Hardknot. 

"I know Jim Jones, whose son Tom had a friend named 
Bill at Princeton college while WoodroM'' Wilson was Presi- 
dent there. Jim said he thot 'they' could induce Wilson to 
act favorably in this case." 

"Tut! tut!" laughed Hardknot. "Those stories of 'they 
said so, or would so' often do not amount to a hill of beans, 
tho beans are now high priced. Never depend on 'that's 
what I say' nor another's 'maybe.' " 

"I won't depend on either," replied Nat Rep, getting red 
hot as melting scads. "I rely chiefly on my own ability in 
this ^cane. Tom and his friend Bill are now at Washington 
as lobbyists. But I am here on home ground for vital action. 
I never undertake what I can't carry out successfully. Now 
just be quiet and watch me play a big hit in the Yankee 
League of gumption." 

Then Nat Rep ordered not three dozen handkerchiefs 
kissed by Mrs. Wilson to be sold at auction. No, he did the 
more practical. He took advantage of fate's decree. 

As Wilson was coming West to participate in a new pre- 
paredness parade at Chicago, he stopped at "Ye Olden Lin- 
coln Tavern" near Nancy Hanks' grave in Spencer County, 
along the Lincoln Highway. It was a cold December night. 



Mr. Wilson put up in the Goodrich room No. 23 at the 
noted Lincoln Tavern. That night the president became 
very sick, which his physician diagnosed as a war con- 
strained bradycardia. One snow white blanket after an- 
other; one weighty comfort and another crazy quilt after 
the other were piled on, until that bed looked like a stack o' 
thick barley griddle cakes with home grown molasses heaped 
upon the genial Wilson. 

Nat Rep had hired as nurse, thru Hardknot, who owned 
the hotel. Nat waited until Dr. Grayson had vanished into 
an adjoining room, then he jerked off all the covers on Wil- 
son's bed, like a frenzied fireman trying to save something 
for a Carnegie hero medal. 

The president was asleep. When the doctor rushed in 
he shrieked, "What in the blue-bulbs of blisters do you 
mean ? Leave those covers on ; the president will freeze — 
collapse — die !" 

"Don't you know these blankets are valuable?" 
grinned Nat. 

"Maybe ; but none too good to warm up the first man of 
our nation," yelled the physician. But the covers all went 
off, and another lot were piled on. The latter had been on 
only one hour when Nat again changed the bed covers. Mr. 
Wilson, snug in dreamland only smiled when the doctor and 
Hardknot appeared. 

"That nurse must be one of those ginks who believe in a 
change of policies," laughed Wilson. 

"He is my cousin, but must be bug-house. He can't 
work in my house for any big-bugs," advised Hardknot 
much excited. 

"He is very polite. Don't discharge him unless you first 
bring him in and let him state his case and tell why he acted 
that way," arbitrated the president, always going after facts. 

"Beg pardon, I changed those covers after Mr. Wilson 
gave his smiling consent. I did it so we could get numerous 
real sheets and bedding of which we can truthfully say, "Un- 
der these President Wilson slept." 

"But no man can sleep by being constantly disturbed," 
raved Hardknot, shaking his fist in Nat's face. 

"Oh yes, I thank you, I slept considerable. Let the man 
state his case fully," laughed Wilson, always willing for cam- 
pus boys to have a square deal on the green. 

"Gentlemen, don't you realize that pillow case and all 
these quilts are now worth a fortune? I am going to cut 
them in small particles then sell the infinitesimal parts to 



10 



the highest bidders. Thus I will liquidate your Beyoar 
church here. Everyone is anxious for a souvenir from our 
great world war president." 

"But these are my bed clothing," protested Hardknot. 

"They are not ; because you agreed yesterday evening to 
give me the clothing if I would be extra night guard and 
valet to the president." 

"I'll give you $1,500 for one of the pillows," offered Mr. 
Wilson. 

"It's yours," gleed Nat. "That pays off the church debt 
and leaves a balance beside. I will still have many more 
covers to sell, and shall pay you a reasonable price for them." 

"I want no pay ; if it is a charity scheme, then go to the 
limit," assured Hardknot. 

News of this affair spread like wild fire on a Kansas 
prairie. Offers for half inch of the bedding "Under which 
Wilson really slept at the famous old Lincoln home," began 
to arrive. 

Ten thousand dollars was bid by Koolier's Weekly for 
one inch of the merino wool blanket. One half inch pieces 
of all the other quilts was sold each for $10,000 or more to 
millionaires of New York, Philadelphia, Boston, Chicago, St. 
Louis, New Orleans, San Francisco, Indianapolis, Denver, 
Detroit, Cincinnati, Minneapolis, Atlanta and in other cities. 

The German Embassador, Herr Bernstorff, is reported 
to have bought one before he severed diplomatic relations 
with America. Embassador Gerard wired his order from 
Berlin, just before he came home. Even Franz Robb, the 
German consul at San Francisco, thot of ordering 14 inch, 
while indicted for conspiracy. 

Figuring 672 inches to each quilt, comfort, sheet, of 
which there were 36, brought the total number of inches up 
to 23,192, which at an average of $10,000 per inch netted 
$231,920,000. More than the $10,000,000 loan to Germany, 
the $50,000,000 loan to British banks, and the $100,000,000 
French collateral loan. Like bidding for a pie, baked by the 
prettiest girl in a neighborhood, so to this unique campaign 
for collecting money for Beyoar church continued unabated. 
Each one bid to outdo the other, especially when Nat an- 
nounced 85 per cent of the money would be used for Red 
Cross work thru Beyoar nurses on battle fields. 

After all the quilts, pillow shams, blankets and sheets 
had been sold, then the auction for each feather began, on 
which President Wilson had dreamed Mexican quimerico 
war news and Gennan submarine nightmares. In short 
there were 4,623,578 feathers in that monster, downy Pekin 



11 



duck white feather bed. Each feather brought from $5 to 
one million dollars as the fancy struck the bidder. From the 
feathers alone more money was raised than what the Anglo- 
French owe Uncle Sam, which is $500,000,000. It had Wal- 
lingford get-rich-quick schemes beat 41 sky-scraper stories 
high, on the elevator of public enthusiasm. 

After Nat had these stupendous funds at his command he 
was regarded as great and efficient a money raiser as Cham- 
pion C. S. Ward, who really collected $30,000,000 for the 
General Y. M. C. A. work in the past decade. 

"Now the question confronts us, what shall we do with 
this enormous fund, especially the 15% less 5% for expenses 
and the fabulous accrued interest on funds not turned over 
to Red Cross?" grinned Mr. Hardknot, president of the 
Trustee Board of the Beyoar church. 

"I'll take care of it," beamed Nat, proud of his Nat Repu- 
tation as a raiser of "yellow boys." 

"We will pay $5 to the next pastor of Beyoar church for 
each joiner he gets who attends church at least half a year." 

"Why not give $5 to any other pastor for each sticking 
member captured from some church ?" urged Hardknot. 

"That's good, only Billy Sunday excepted, because that 
sawdust-trail seducer obtains enough dough wherever he 
bakes and rips the devil," replied Nat, as the crowd in Post 
Office yelled, "That's the dope !" 

After silence was restored Nat proceeded, "We will do- 
nate one million bucks to create a League to Enforce Peace, 
thus avoid all future wars. Furthermore, we shall grant 
Kaiser Bill one million thalers if he accedes all territory his 
army gained in this first submarine war." 

"But how will you reward the Hon. Woodrow Wilson? 
You surely remember he started all this exquisite good for- 
tune for you," proffered Hardknot. 

"Oh, Mr. Wilson; who is he? O yes, I surmise he is the 
boob who believes in 'Watchful Waiting,' so let him wait and 
see." Just then a telegram was handed to Nat. It read : 

"White House. 
"Gentlemen: 

"Please give me your price for the bedstead on which I 
reposed in The Lincoln Tavern. His Excellency the Kaiser 
has abdicated. The Kings of Italy and England may follow, 
in which case France wants this bed to put all four de- 
throned kings in, then ship to Tsarskoe Setq, for a 'good- 
night' to world's Autocracy. 

"They offer one billion francs for it. This fund to be 
applied as reserve power for permanent International 



12 



League to Enforce Peace and make the Monroe doctrine 
practicable all around this earth, even unto other planets. 

"W. W." 

Nat Rep trembled like an earthquake beneath the foun- 
dation of a Quaker, "Beg pardon, gentlemen, is universal 
peace really coming from the sale of Wilson's crazy quilts 
near Abe Lincoln's old home? I hope so. Lincoln emanci- 
pated the negro slave; may this Tavern and Wilson's bed 
liberate the whole world. Then rulers inciting wars will be 
punished and not only local thugs reprimanded. If this 
war's piracy on seas is illegal, then sins of covetousness shall 
be a thing of the past. Arts, science, all earth's improve- 
ments will remain intact and finally our planet become a 
veritable paradise. Then trips to Jupiter shall be as easy, 
delightful and profitable as taking a spin in an auto to ex- 
change farm produce for city commodities. Yes, then the 
New York Times, San Francisco Bulletin, Chicago Tribune, 
New Orleans Picayune, Denver Post, Collier's Weekly, will 
instruct reporters thus : 

" 'Don't say Mrs. Tilda Thompson, of Evansville, Indi- 
ana, is spending the week-end in Palm Beach, or London. 
Visits among states or nations are too exceedingly common. 
Only news relating to soarings into other planets are worthy 
of space.' " 

"Oh, grand! but coming down to bed-rock facts, that 
would be introducing a new era in the world," spoke Hard- 
knot. "A heavenly consanguinity." 

"Certainly, but please remember all great strata eras 
are based on beds of rocks," gloried Nat. 

"Well, with all comforts considered, I think you collected 
your share of the rocks to help lay the world on a bed of 
peace," concluded Hardknot, amid patriotic cheers for the 
Red, White and Blue and Wilson. 



'^Coming slow to something " is wiser than going fast to 
nothing. 



"When at your wits end," the middle of another's reason 
may save you. 



13 



Peppery Pep 



Nat Rep rushed into the recruiting office at Rockpeak, 
Indiana, then shouted: 

"What does all this extravagance mean? I see the U. S. 
Government has authorized Col. F. E. Eastman, depot quar- 
termaster, Central Department of U. S. Army, thru Chicago, 
to get bids for 423,164 pounds of bacon ; 184,534 pounds of 
flour; 24,000 pounds of beans; 13,000 pounds of salt and 
2,228 pounds of pepper." 

"Well, what of it?" asked Mr. Dan Sedan, officer in 
charge. 

"It's all right to buy flour, bacon and salt here, but in 
view of the fact of high prices on beans it seems they ought 
to be imported from Peru; because on 3c worth of beans a 
family of four can live three days. It would be a saving to 
us, and if Americans want to compete with foreign trade, let 
themx lower prices." 

"That's what democratic policies endorse,'^ said Sedan. 

"But what is good for the people should be practiced by 
the Government and not pay exorbitant prices when they 
can buy cheaper abroad," Nat clinched. 

"That's what I say," agreed Sedan. 

"Another thing, why howl about economy, how Mrs. Wil- 
son, Mrs. Marshall and other notable people, have decided 
to curtail fancy desserts and luxuries as a lesson so common 
folks will economize ? No use, when the army asks for bids 
on 2,228 pounds of pepper." 

"Don't you believe that variety is the spice of life?" was 
asked. 

"No, not in a war conservation crusade, where soldiers 
are peppered red hot enough with bullets, without gorging 
stomachs with a condiment — pepper — which has no food 
value." 

"Oh, shut up," growled Bill Smith, a by-stander. "At 
present retail price that would be only $1,114." 

"Yes, but think of it, that much useless pepper peppered 
among each of the five ai-my divisions, which would total 
$5,570, and again that much for the navy. A useless tax." 



14 



**But don't you honestly believe that would put ginger 
and 'pep' into our nation's defenders?" asked Sedan, with a 
sage smile. 

"Not a bit; it would show the lack of real vitality 'pep' 
in the brain chambers of our Army and Navy Appropriation 
Committees." 

"What would you advise, as a goods-box grocery orator, 
to eliminate the pepper?" The crowd snickered. 

"I would make it a criminal offense to provide anj'' pep- 
per, or other condiments to the Army or Navy. What they 
need is real food, and not so many knick-knacks, tobacco or 
alcohol." 

"But pepper is to take the place of alcohol, as a stimu- 
lant," said Sedan. 

"A man, or woman who loves this country needs no arti- 
ficial puimoter to make his heart and skill beat the right 
way to subdue the foe, or any foreign colonel." 

"Is that Col. Pepper he is talking about?" asked a man 
stepping up. 

Billie Smith twinkled, "Yes, he is Col. Sam Pepy's, the 
guy who wrote one of the most racy, unique diaries in any 
language." 

"Is he any relation to Chas. Pepper, to Col. Roosevelt, or 
why in the deuce was the book written ?" snapped the man 
full of push. 

"Oh man, Billy is stuffing you with peppermint. This 
talk is about plain black pepper, often called cayenne," sal- 
lied Sedan, always willing to correct the boys in any battle 
of words. 

"Cayenne! why I know something of capsicum," volun- 
teered the man, as he surged tighter into the crowd. 

"Well, Sandy, let's have it," urged Sedan. 

Sandy coughed, then began: "Pepper is principally 
propagated in India. It bears after stalk is 3 year old, and 
yields two crop a year, for 12 years — " 

"Then loses its 'pep' in stock, so dies," interrupted Billy. 

"Sure," agreed Sandy, "and pepper is the most exten- 
sively used condiment in this world. It acts on the skin as a 
rubefacient and vesicant when taken internally. As an ex- 
ternal stimulant it relaxes the voula or is good as an oint- 
ment for ring worm." 

"That proves it. What use has a soldier for pepper? He 
has no time to relax voulas and if he wants to keep his hat 
in the ring he won't bother with ring womis," pestered Nat 
grinningly. 



15 



"Hippocrates employed pepper as medicine, Pliny recom- 
mended it and in the 13th century a few pounds of this spice 
were considered a princely present." 

"Just so now," interjected Nat. "You hit my contention 
square. In this 20th century pepper is a detriment to any 
healthy physique, and it has especially no call in the N. 
and A. 

"I wish to God people would learn more readily and fur- 
nish humanity what it vitally requires. Old time fallacies 
and modern knick-knacks are the cause of high cost of liv- 
ing." 

Just then a telegram was handed to Nat by a messenger. 
He read : 

"Charleston, W. Va., where the Government's new armor 
plate factory shall be located, was annihilated last night. 
100,000 Hyphenated Americans and Kaiser Bills plunged 
suddenly against 500,000 American soldiers camped there, 
who were playing West Point tennis; dancing New York 
Bunny Hug and throwing nearly 2,228 pounds of pepper on 
a dozen 'slackers' of the community who had married to 
keep US out of war. The pepper was used because no rice 
was available. The American side lost heavily, 120,000 
Yankees were imprisoned by the Dauchund upturned mus- 
tache soldiers." 

"That proves it again," raved Nat. "What is useless to 
an army, as pepper, becomes an implement of destructive 
conspiracy." 

In half an hour Nat had a half thousand petitions to 
congress to abolish pepper in the American Navy and Army. 



^ m m 



''When you make it warm for one," tiuo might freeze 
you Old. 



m ^ ^ 

'When U R cross as an X," U can't B straight as I. 

16 



Spin -Age 



"This is not only a fast, whirling age, but the spin-age. 
They may call you an 'old top' but so long as you pass the 
right yarn no one can spin the wool over your eyes," sallied 
Nat Rep, as he accosted Dan Sedan, the handsome U. S. re- 
cruiting officer at Rockpeak. 

"What's the matter now? Who's been spinning some- 
thing over your age ?" laughed Sedan. 

"No one ; I've got the stuff growing right now." 

"What do you mean? What kind of a scheme are you 
now fostering?" asked Sedan, much interested in the out- 
come of Nat's ideas. 

"It is really no scheme. It is something practical. Thru 
our Congressman I got the government to partly donate me 
1000, 160 acre tracts in southeastern Alabama. I divided 
that land into 10 acre tracts." 

"Ah, I see, you are going to imitate H. Meiner, who for 
years supported a Socialist Colony along the St. Lawrence, 
thru the sales of his famous chocolates. Or, like N. O. Nel- 
son, the millionaire of St. Louis, who has a similar colony 
near New Orleans. He gives any man a horse, cow, house 
and all land one can well cultivate, all free, but the land re- 
mains Mr. Nelson's." 

"I have a better Utopia. These lands the government 
sold me I will deed free to Alabama negroes, with auto shack 
for horse and cow included. All I demand is that the negroes 
put every available space in spinage." 

"Spinage! you ought to get the greens because negro 
mammies almost go wild for a mess of greens." 

"Yes, that 's why they took up the proposition so readily ; 
altho I have plots awaiting any whites who think it no dis- 
grace to cultivate spinage." 

"But what do you know about spinage? Why raise so 
much? You will flood the markets everywhere," argued 
Sedan. 

"We will not flood the market more than demands re- 
quire. Spinage was first raised by the Arabs. They fed it 
to their horses ; that's why their famous steeds are full of 



17 



red blood, because spinage contains more iron, per volume, 
than any other vegetable." 

"So you want to raise spinage to supplant alfalfa, clover 
and timothy?" 

"No, not necessarily ; but let me explain further. Spinage 
would cure many ills of people. Negroes use it continually ; 
that's why they have clean, pearly white teeth, a good di- 
gestion and always ready to laugh heartily. The Indians 
use its foliage as a puree, and its seeds for inflammation of 
liver or jaundice. 

"Negroes love to play with dice, but they seldom 'throw 
up' because they eat spinage, thus sport no jaundice." 

"That is all interesting and no doubt true, but you fall 
to explain what your real aim is, in establishing the spinage 
colony," interrupted Sedan. 

"So they can get 'long green' (money) from greens. It 
is the easiest way of making a living that I know. Haven't 
you read that Monsieur de Noyer, the French horticulturist 
and Burbank abroad, has discovered that spinage two or 
four feet high, with male flowery spikes, and female clusters 
close to the stem, are valuable for making paper?" 

"Fool's-cap, typewriter and magazine paper?" Sedan 
asked. 

"Yes, I have investigated further and find spinage stems, 
seeds and leaves contain 46 percent of cellulose against 4 
percent in stems of wheat straw. 

"Furthermore, by following the Grenoble paper-making 
methods, I have produced paper equal to Japanese tissue or 
vellum, in its remarkable consistency. The culture of spin- 
age will therefore be a boon to economic conditions, espe- 
cially when we consider present high price of print paper. 
On the Alabama farms we have already sufficient spinage to 
produce enough writing, book and periodical paper for all 
matters published ; in fact, we have in stock 5,976,483 tons 
of various grades of paper." 

"Gee! you've got a great economic idea alright, but 
what's the price of your spinage paper?" asked a bystander, 
a local printer. 

"I will give paper free to every publisher as long as he 
publishes a clean paper, book or magazine. Free from po- 
litical, religious or other graft." 

"How can you do that and keep it up?" 

"Uncle Sam believes in enlightenment. So he will fur- 
nish all paper free, and is glad to do it if people will ear- 
nestly read, study and learn. As the cost is only one-third of 
former price America can well afford to give not only free 



18 



books in schools, but gratis paper to publishers and manumit 
of cost to each subscriber." 

"But what about the postage? Must rates be increased? 
With real freedom of press the mails will be chuck full of 
papers causing no end of burdens for postmen." 

"Instead of rates being increased, all postage should be 
removed. Like Niles says in 'The Acts of Revolution.' Ev- 
ery state, city, county, village should be tied together by 
means of the postofRce. It should be a constant injunction 
to postmasters, to convey the newspapers free of all charge. 
They are not only the vehicles of knowledge and intelligence, 
but the sentinels of the liberties of our country." 

"But with munificent paper stock, exemption of postage, 
free subscription, the people would be overburdened with 
tons of trashy papers they never ordered." 

"No. Under penalty of $500 to $50,000 or as case de- 
mands, no publisher dare send anything he publishes unless 
the gratis sheet for requests has been filled and signed in 
person by respective subscribers. Furthermore, all people 
who avail themselves of this co-operation must under statue 
fine, agree to return to nearest paper junk dealer at 50c 
100 lb. every month, all papers discarded. Any violator will 
be prosecuted." 

"That sounds possible, but is it feasible?" pondered Se- 
dan. "Suppose your negroes all went on a strike and no 
other people would raise spinage, tho the market price is 
higher than for many other farm products ?" 

"That would be pot-luck. Tho negroes love culinary 
greens I believe they will economize enough so we can keep 
up the manufacture of paper from succulent spinage." 

Just then a telegram was handed to Nat. It read : 

"The 10,000 negroes you had raising spinage have de- 
voured all the coming crops of that delicious, iron-giving 
vegetable. The German sailors imprisoned at Ft. Ogle- 
thorp escaped, set fire to your supplies and incited negroes 
against America. Negroes here say they wish to have iron 
chancellor muscles, like Bismark, so they can overthrow all 
capitalistic intruders. As you cannot now deliver the 3,000,- 
000 tons of spinage next month, we therefore as the Ameri- 
can Vinar Paper Manufacturers, sue you for $10,000,000 for 
failure to keep faith with the contract." 

"I guess pot-luck is mine," smiled Nat. "I'll go to the 
Cafe Kregers and see whether my mess o' greens is ready for 
dinner." 

Then everybody near yelled, "Look, there goes a 
greener !" 



19 



Forcing Americanisni 

"I see the Hotel Biltmore of New York has ceased to 
use German, Italian and French menus," said Dan Sedan, 
as he got busy to enroll more men for the U. S. army and 
navy. 

"Is that so?" spoke Nat Rep. "Then I suppose 'Boulla- 
boisse a la Marseillise' becomes 'fish soup,' 'pot de cafe' a 
pot of coffee, 'dejeuner' a dinner and 'obispillo' merely a 
large black pudding." 

"Yes, no doubt in all leading American hotels like the 
French Lick of Indiana, The Traymore of Atlantic City, 
Hot Springs of Arkansas, La Salle of Chicago, with its 
1,000 rooms, Ponce de Leon of St. Augustine, the $4,- 
000,000 Flagler Hotel and others," presumed Sedan. So 
Nat warmed up for a long spiel. 

"I think while they are consolidating American princi- 
ples, ethics, politics and business, they better make it not 
only illegal to eat, or sleep at a hotel which torments a 
foreign menu; but let no one be given any food nor work, 
if he is in America long enough to be naturalized yet fails 
to obtain proper papers. Thus cut out the foreigners who 
come here to horde money, then return to spend it abroad, 
or war against Uncle Sam when Europe or Asia, calls them 
to arms." 

"But what would we do with the foreign artists, mu- 
sicians, who feed our brains and hearts on canned music, 
monologue, opera and amusements?" asked Sedan. 

"I would can them unless they do as Ernestine Schu- 
mann-Heink, the beloved contralto. She was born near 
Prague, made her debut in II Trovatore, at Dresden, 1878. 
But after her appearance in New York, 1898, she soon took 
out naturalization papers and is now one of the best be- 
loved prima donnas, with such roles as "Es ist bestimmt in 
Gottes Rath." (By God's decree.) 

"Let other foreign-bom virtuosos follow her example, 
or cease to try to entertain the patriotic American public. 
We can't afford to disgrace the Stage with presumptive 
Kultur that might harbor bombs, or prove to be a linguistic 
spy. We like to hear Paderewski play 'Minuet in G,' but 



20 



can't think he is in harmony to *C America Right' unless 
he reaches one octave higher and pressed with accord his 
naturalization accompaniment, and also wears stars and 
stripes on each of his fingers, as well as American Insur- 
ance policy. 

"Think of Harry Lauder, that indomitable Scottish 
singer and comedian. How dare he use other than an 
American corn-cob tobacco pipe and display more of his 
hairy legs, unless he takes out citizen papers to prove he 
won't kick our constitution when he sings 'MacGregor's 
Toast,' or 'When I Get Back to Scotland.' 

"Any Scottish singer unnaturalized sounds, to me, in- 
stead of singing up-to-date songs, he is putting off on the 
public the first airs of Scotland of 1627. Scottish music 
is so peculiar anyway with its omission of the fourth and 
seventh scale, and consequent absence of semitone. If 
Lauder won't become a naturalized American his resonant 
esophagus ought to fail and compel him to go back to 
digging black diamonds in the Killarney m.ountains." 

"Oh, come off. Let's whistle a real thriller and get in 
tune with better ideals of an exacting government," urged 
Sedan. 

"That's what I am striving after. So I think the ac- 
complished siffleur Guido Gialdin, who was bom in Ger- 
many, ought to become an American citizen, if he is not, 
or else cease whistling 'Old Black Joe,' 'Dear Delightful 
Woman' and 'Dollar Princess.' " 

"What about Caruso?" 

"If Enrico Caruso, the famous Italian tenor, wishes to 
continue singing in America not as a 'dago' then let him 
become naturalized, or his 'La Fatal Pietra' (The Fatal 
Stone) will revert to a stumbling block, forgotten as the 
opera 'L'Amico Francasco' in which Caruso made his debut 
here in 1894. I admire Caruso, especially his habilia- 
m.ent, in which he delights to costume when he pats his 
large pectoral muscle, while he opens his mouth as Rhad- 
ames in Aida. However, I love a plain, brilliant American 
more, tho he might not be able to sing 'Ladonna e mobile.' 
(Woman is Fickle). Because a man for freedom's Victoiy 
is never fickle with Uncle Sam, and is worth more than a 
contract with Victor up to only 1933." 

"Here, you better cut that out. Caruso, and some of 
the other illustrious impersonators, will have you arrested 
for trying to be stage manager and citizen censor of Amer- 
ica," laughed Sedan. 



21 



"Let them come. How would it look now to have the 
Police Band of Mexico City, render under direction of 
Senor Velino M. Presa, such pieces as 'Felix Diaz March?' '" 

"Oh, that would be alright, provided they take Texas,. 
Arizona and New Mexico when they march back,^ teased 
Sedan. 

"You can make fun of these international problems,, 
but it's going to be serious business to correct malice caused 
by continual wars." 

"Perhaps so, but what do you think of pugilists who 
wire, or write, to President Wilson offering their services 
in the war?" 

"I think of all slackers those boobs are the meanest. 
No use to write, or wire. Pugilists do that just to get free 
advertising, like some virtuosos who refuse to naturalize, so 
the papers will talk about them. 

"If a glove-toter, or anybody in plain fist, wishes to 
enlist in the A. or N. all they need do is to go to the nearest 
recruiting office, be examined, then enlist. 

"If Jess Willard, the champ pug., offered his service on 
the battlefield, instead of the ring, he ought to put his hat 
in the ring and raise the crown up high by banding with 
American soldier bullet punchers. If he won't, it's like an 
operation for appendicitis ; you hear it was successfully per- 
formed, but how the patient performs afterward, you never 
hear, because so many collapse. 

"If Carl Morris desires to be the next champ, as Will 
Brown says he can be, and if Tom Cowler, Fred Fulton, 
Frank Moran, Freddie Walsh, Battling Nelson yearn to 
enlist in army, let them get in the ring and not only in the 
set newspapers. Or if Emory Titman, the heaviest pug. 
manager, thinks Eddie O'Keefe, the Phil, bantam, can fight, 
let him enlist and not only pull wires. Even Jim Corbett, 
or Fitzsimmons might come back thru the army. 

"If Mrs. Farmer, who manages her husband at Tacoma 
(in the ring only) thinks Frank can knock the stuffing out 
of the Teutons, let her sign up her hubby for Uncle Sam's 
defense. 

"If Sydney Hatch of Chicago believes he cannot only 
run a winning marathon, let him sign to track our foes 
around this world war race. If that brick-layer, who won 
the 25-mile marathon running race at Boston, April 19th, 
thinks he can outstrip all comers, then let him sign and 
show Uncle Sam the value of mortar and brick-bat masonry, 
for exercise that builds a man upright. 



22 



"•It's a great thing to offer to fight in Teddy's proposed 
company, but Uncle Sam always has a company ready to 
adopt any perfect man without much kneeling, or propos- 
ing to Old Glory. 

"It should be a crime for anyone to offer themselves for 
war to the president, then not go. I'd go in a jiffy, if I 
only had the chance — " 

"Wait a minute," advised Sedan, as he clicked on the 
wireless, and received a message. "From what you have 
splurged around here, I know you will join the army if 
given an immediate active chance. I have just wired the 
Department at Washington and Gen. Pershing instructs me 
to put you as private in the advance ranks of the First Regi- 
ment of Indiana Battery P. P., which means Pink Perfec- 
tion, sailing for France next week, Monday." 

"What! me? Why, I never offered myself. I only was 
saying what should be done with fellows who offered them- 
selves, or persons who are unnaturalized." 

"Yes, but if you won't go, after all the spiel you belched 
out of your body for vindication on fellowmen, then you 
are ten billion times more of a parasite and undesirable, 
unnaturalized citizen," cringed Sedan, red with the blush 
of a brave officer, as he arose, then quickly walked to the 
Federal Post office. 




"When a man does his best," the worst cannot do 
that one. 



"When biz holds good,*' nothing bad should give 
you away. 



23 



Censoring Americanism 

"I see you are not gone," said Dan Sedan, as he was 
enrolling new recruits for the U. S. army 

"No," replied Nat Rep. "I was refused because I had a 
suspicious grin on my mug ; because I had a wart on my 
nose; a corn on my hellex and one incisor out. Besides, 
when the officer, who was to swear me in, asked, 'Who sent 
you here?' I replied, 'That old guy,' pointing to you. The 
officer grilled that guys were only found in civilian life, so 
because of my handicaps physically and impolite rectitude 
he ordered me to go home." 

"What other peculiarities did you possess?" 

"They said I could never enlist unless I was willing to 
operate for appendicitis, cut wages for war economy, cut 
slang for popularity, cease to cut up for frivolity and be 
willing to have 48 stars tattooed on my arai." 

"That so? Never heard of it before," assured Sedan. 
"What are you going to do now." 

"I'm going to run for Congress again. They can do 
anything without being qualified. Then I'll make a law to 
prohibit publishers, or anybody, spelling Germany with a 
capital G. That word is an improper noun, so for proper 
renown it must be hyphenated, thus : germ-any. 

"Yes, any other germs of restrictives ?" grinned Sedan. 

"I think no one but $3,000 yearly income boobs, and 
above that, should be taxed to pay seven billion plus all other 
war debt. Poor and future generations should not be bur- 
dened. Besides, there should be a law prohibiting any Ger- 
man, or foreign born person, to enter a public building, 
unless they have been sterilized with formaldehyde and in- 
terrogated with 3,968 questions." 

"Yes, that is a protecting, public spirited idea ; but who 
will take time to ask the questions, or help pay cost for such 
extraordinary national precaution?" 

"I can't say ; but it may be tried. Even Uncle Sam ex- 
periments in testing guns before he adopts, or fires them 
broadside. Some of my ideas might prove as useful as the 
Lewis gun which was refused 57 times — or as often as a 



24 



successful Mss. is refused — but now America will adopt the 
Lewis gun after England has made it a success." 

"Yes, big guns don't know everything ; it requires united 
target practice to make a solid fact defensive democratic 
republic," assured Sedan. "But if you cut-throat all things 
Germania, what about words of Teutonic origin?" 

"I would preclude them from future dictionaries, all 
publications and schools. Such words especially as 'fusel,* 
which means bad liquor or adulterated alcohol. Also the 
word 'dolt,' which in English means 'fool,' but in German 
'damned.' 

"Furthermore, Snitz, Pretzel, Limberger, Saurkraut, 
should be tabooed. Besides, mine, nine, kline, and even hell. 
All German descent shall not find further vent in American 
fine cultured, reformed vernacular. We must strive not so 
much for reformed syncopated spelling, as for conformed 
American expression. American lingo demands less im- 
pressionism of Imperial foreign brogue." 

"Alright, suppose you write to your Congressmen and 
urge the change, then when you get elected don't change 
your mind, but enlarge the list," spurred Sedan. "Now 
have one on this. What will you take, hell oder dunkel?" 

"Oh hell ! of course," shouted Nat. 

"There, there ! That's enough. You are trapped. You 
said no one should be allowed to say hell, yet you yell it 
yourself," corrected Sedan. 

"But you offered me an intoxicant so I tried to tell you 
what color, clear or dark, I preferred." 

"I offered you no booze ; because now in the U. S. Army 
imbibing is debarred. I said 'have one on this.' I meant a 
light or dark cigar." 

"Holy smokes ! Can't a fellow pop off excess wrath gas 
once in a while?" 

"As a civilian, perhaps; but never as an American sol- 
dier, or sailor. I arrest you for profanity in the presence of 
ladies, because you swore not only by hell, but by holy 
smokes. You lose the smoke and smell the burn." 

Nat scratched his occiput, then put this over: "Oh, 
-X!? blank. That makes a blooded gink full of in- 



dignation ; but he should see for his own nation's good that 
damnation don't shut up floods of fool talk." So, haggard 
and defeated, like a Turk, Nat, the inventor was led to the 
bastile to censor his own aberrant perissology. 



25 



Even inventors are zany sometimes, but the plutocrats 
who invent war are the vilest jack-puddings; yet you dare 
not say so in war time or they will jack you up, like a 
bursted auto tire, then kick you off along the roadside of 
life's journey and let the junk man collect you for taxes due 
— ^to wrong expansion of self or combination. 




"To come up to the mark," don't go away with a , 
bad re-mark. 



^ ^ ISi 



"Nobody knows," how little everybody thinks anybody 
believes. 



» !fi ifi 



"To know what's what," is a counter current Watt to 
know what's not. 



26 



imencan 



Kings 



"What's on your mind today?" began Dan Sedan. 

Nat Rep looked at the handsome khaki uniform the re- 
cruiting officer was wearing, then grouched : "Helen White 
went back on her scrap-of -paper, and again refused me last 
night. Since I can't get her as my life's queen I am going 
to make a crusade against all kings. Kings, therefore, are 
on my mind today and in the head of every American who 
wants to get ahead." 

"Why so? There are no kings in this starred and 
striped, democratic country," incited Sedan. 

"Americans boast of this land of free love, being free of 
duke and king titles. Yet it isn't. 

"Andre De Fonquieres, the Paris Beau Brummel, has 
observed, *0n the American Coat of Arms should not be 
excelsior but prodigious.' He is right. We, as a nation, are 
not only marvelous in business, but lavish in titles. Rus- 
sians have not even the title of Mister, yet we harbor not 
merely one king, but manifold extravagant kings. When a 
man raises more corn than any other person in a state, he is 
the 'corn king'; when one produces an enormous crop of 
wheat he is dubbed the 'wheat king' for a season ; when one 
does well with apples he becomes the 'apple king.' Then 
we are pestered in every county with the 'cattle king,* the 
'horse king,' the 'hog king,' and even the 'billy-goat king,' or 
the 'mustache king' if one wears whiskers as elongated as 
Kaiser Bill." 

"That's true, only so far as comparativeness of the word 
is concerned. There is here no actual king degree," argued 
Sedan. 

"Comparative, or superlative degree, that word has 
reigned long enough. It is not solely used, but abused, like 
the weakling who sucks soothing syrup. Kings do not al- 
ways typify great riches. Some kings of nations have been 
mouse-poor, and cruel as hell, with all manner of torturing 
devices for subjects. Therefore, king as a title, does not 
honor a man's past achievements, but rather nullifies it and 
narrows his future chances; because sundry kings were 



27 



imbeciles, figure-heads, grafters and finally abdicators of 
their thrones. King Francoin was a mountebank and divers 
kings have abdicated down to Nicholas, Czar of Russia, more 
than 2,550 in all. 

"300 were overthrown; 
"134 assassinated ; 
"123 captured in war; 
"108 executed; 
"100 slain in battle; 
"69 forced to abdicate; 
"28 suicided; 
"25 tortured to death; 
"23 went bug-house. 

"In our land of liberty I wouldn't wish to be dubbed king 
for any cause. 

"The word fool formerly meant a shrewd, witty jester 
for the king. Now the word king has itself degenerated to 
represent nothing worthy, in this age of universal de- 
mocracy. 

"I would think it an insult to be called even 'the king of 
hobos,' as Mr. Eads is heralded, tho Bamfylde Moore Caren 
(1673-1770), a noted English vagabond, was branded 
'King of Beggars.' " 

"That's all true, but as cartoonist Goldberg says, 'I never 
thot of that,' " agreed Sedan. "However, if kings on earth 
are no good, we must retain that word for kings of the sea, 
or the ethereal." 

"Nothing to it. The herring is called 'king of the sea,' 
yet it isn't the mightiest, but the shark gets the man over- 
board every time. While there may be a Supreme Ruler of 
the Universe, it is unpropitious to denominate Him king. 
If we so continue. He may prove to be 'the king of the Jews/ 
but never of legitimate trade. 

"We claim America has no kings, yet we differentiate 
our largest coin — the Almighty Dollar ! Almighty refers to 
the King of Kings, so why use it? Pay tribute with the 
dollar to no king, and never abuse the word king among 
the taxed public. 

"A pack of cards is a book of four kings, but who cares 
to play with kings, when racing for booked king titles might 
dethrone you? 

"We read that Kaiser Sigismund used a wrong gender. 
When informed he over-rode grammar by saying, 'Ego sum 
Imperator Romanorum, et supra grammatican.' 

"However, Kaiser Bill, and all other Kings, Emperors, 
Mikados, Czars, Kalifs, cannot over-ride the mounted fact 



28 



that this whole world is galloping to win the free-for-all 
race for true humanitarism, universal democracy. There- 
fore, the theocracy word king must soon be obsolete, because 
there will be no further need of that foolish nonentity." 

"But what will befall the King of the Cross?" asked 
Sedan. 

"He can go to where he came from, the superstitious 
oblivion. When humanity evolutes and develops so univer- 
sally kind and genial that all 'do unto others as they would 
be done by' — before dun is presented for things left undone, 
then no one will be cross enough to demand a tree on which 
to crucify dripping blood of earth's reformers. 

"The Ancients had 40,000 various gods for all elements 
and occasions; and the Romans fostered a 'Feast To The 
Unknown God,' to include any that might have been slighted. 

"But the enlightened world has had enough of unknown 
gods, and too well known kings. The universal people de- 
mand liberality in all hearts and arts and marts. We strive 
for the heaven within you, me, all here, NOW!" 

Just then Barnum and Bailey's Circus passed the re- 
cruiting office. The King of Beasts broke out! With his 
sloshing, foaming, lugubrious jaws he grabbed Nat, then 
rangled him horribly, like a tumble-tug ball over the hobble- 
stone street. Quickly old Leo was shot by his trainer, who 
leaped out of the golden statuette cage, while the six-team, 
dapple-gray Perchons snorted and pawed the curb. Nat 
was hurried in ambulance to The King's Daughters Hos- 
pital. When he regained consciousness next day he was 
asked by Helen White, the sweet-voiced, tidy-gowned Red 
Cross nurse: "Do you now believe there are some good 
Kings, especially his Daughters in America ?" 

"No, they are not kings. You are a queen, if I may 
hold your hand," Nat particularized. 

"You can't. I have my hands too full for care of you. 
But for a queen of hearts you may dictate how I shall play 
life's game of love for you ; provided you continue your fight 
to eliminate that dangerous word — king — from American 
language." 

"I'll certainly be proud to do so," he gallantly assured. 
"But what might I be in your sight, for the next game?" 

"Just a full-grown, never full, perfect man," she gloried, 
while he nibbled her creamy finger, like a man marking the 
king card when he holds a good hand. 



29 



T. R. American 

"A few years ago Dr. David Jordan, of Leland Univer- 
sity, California, said in a lecture that France was the most 
helpless nation on earth. Now France has proved to be one 
of the foremost defensive nations the Kaiser finds impos- 
sible to annihilate." Thus Nat Rep sat at his desk and 
pondered over "World's Wondrous War Ways." Continu- 
ing he reasoned, "David Jordan has been dipped in the river 
of degrees, for he has cognominations of Doctor of Laws, 
Doctor of Divinity, Doctor of Medicine, Doctor of Philoso- 
phy. So too, many other college bred folks are lavishly 
decorated. But what value is it? They often evaporate 
the wrong think, like other mortals. We are all human. 
However, experience by conquered degrees, rather than 
honored conferred degrees, is what counts," Nat mused. 

"Well, what are you going to do about it? Can you 
alter the graft for titles?" asked Miss Flora Gage, who had 
listened to Nat's soliloquy, as she smilingly tip-toed into his 
room. 

"You know you said yesterday that you could not marry 
me, and advised me not to go to war." 

"Yes." 

"Therefore I am now going to run for congress, then 
pass a law prohibiting in America, not only titles of Dukes 
and nobility, but every other conferred sheep-skin flattery." 

"That would be against the U. S. constitution, and taking 
away liberties our forefathers won by seeing stars and wear- 
ing stripes," vexed Miss Gage, as she looked at a picture of 
Patrick Henry, with his famous epigram at the base, "Give 
me liberty, or give me death." 

"No. We must conserve not only our natural resources, 
but realize time is money and save both. So why waste time 
while reading continually over titles of The Rev. Dr. Jones, 
D. D., L. L. D., Ph. D., M. A.? Who cares how much Jones 
knows so long as he knows so little as to burden people con- 
stantly wading thru his college pedigree? I'd rather know 
a man's physical pedigree and ancestry." 



30 



"You're right, kid ! Go on ; let's have your ideas of re- 
form on those lines," earnestly spoke Miss Gage, with a 
half teasing twitter on her lips. 

"The Russians don't even use the title Mister, so I would 
make it a misdemeanor for any college to grant any degree, 
and a felony for anyone to accept such." 

"What? Also a Lodge?" shrieked Miss Gage. 

"Yes," Nat slowly replied. 

"That would put the Rebeccas, the Maccabees, and all 
other Woman's Clubs, Leagues, Societies, as well as men's 
orders out of order, out of kelter," her breast heaved like 
Billie Burke's does in a Movie when some one speaks of 
golden hair. 

"No," reasoned Nat, "but it would put every Lodge, Col- 
lege, or University on the expedite efficiency plan. Each 
student, or member, would be known in life's work by the 
amount of actual good he does; never by surplus titles he 
swaggers. There is only one title that should be permitted 
to real, blue-blooded, unmeasly Americans, no matter what 
molly-coddle ancestry they had. It is simply T. R.' " 

"Be a T. R. American. That means strenuous, versa- 
tile, like Theo. Roosevelt," she proffered. 

"In aims, yes ; in pattern not necessarily. Because T. R. 
stands for something so grand and unexcelled as Teddy of 
Oyster Bay fame. In fact, it is what made the 27th Presi- 
dent powerful as a Solon sage and it will do it for any and 
all democratic, zealous Americans. Wouldn't your name 
look neater on a modern American program as Miss Flora 
Gage, T. R. A. rather than Ph. D., D. C, L. L. D.?" 

"Perhaps it would," she acquiesced. "But pray tell me, 
does T. R. A. stand for 'True Ranking American?' " 

"No," Nat shook his head. 

"A Truly Radical, Truly Reasonable, Time's Recognized, 
Times Religion American?" she bombarded. 

"Neither." 

"Well, whatever it does mean, you better not add T. R. A. 
to your name or humorists will dub you as a Terrible Ridic- 
ulous American, or Tormenting Rheumatic American," ar- 
gued Flora, as she thot of Mr. Dooley, George Ade, Jack 
Lait, Irvin Cobb and other great men who tote no degrees, 
yet by degrees come along and carry themselves well by 
write. 

"You have another guess coming," smiled Nat, as he 
laid "The World's Wonders War Ways" aside, then took 
Flora's plump, warm hand. "Shall I really explain to you 



31 



what T. R. A. represents ?" he cooed, as he pressecf her hand; 
to his lips. 

"Yes, dear, do," she beckoned, shuffling on a Dexter blue 
plush chair near Nat. 

"T. R. A. means sucli an American as I v/ill be to you, 
and can be at war for my country if you only say 'Yes.' " 

"I don't expect to take Miss Rankin's place with you in 
Congress, so I'll say 'certainly,' " she joyed without tears. 

"Sweetheart, T. R. A. typifies one who has a National 
Rep of being a 'True Representative American.' " 

"Oh, I never thot of that," she simpered with Goldberg- 
mimicry. 




"When anything is noised about," you should be up to 
the racket. 



''If you do an act ivith heart and sold," let it not be solely 
for you. 



32 



The Slacker 

Wanted. Ten Thousand Slackers. Address T. R. Amer- 
ican, Oyster Bay, N. Y. 

So ran the ad in thousands of periodicals. 

One man wrote: "I am a real slacker. Have been in 
the lime-light of white-washing and natural and political 
cementing business for ten years. I can slack lime so it 
will make white-wash that must adhere to a fence like a 
daub sticks to a 'fence' in a robbing scheme. I can also 
slack lime so it will make white concrete for any walk of 
life for a man with concrete thots, or rough paths. I don't 
need a railway employee 8 hour extra pay robbing salary. 
I'll be glad to work, labor and toil for 10c, one dime, two 
nicks per diem, provided I can eat all the oysters I catch 
around your bay." 

Nat Rep had inserted the ad, but as he read this reply 
he surmised some crank, or spy, had been enticed who 
wished information of Sagamore Hill. "He is tricky," Nat 
reasoned. "Does he mean to work for a Jap salary of one 
dime per day? At any rate 10c, one dime, two nicks makes 
him look like 30c to me," smiled Nat. So Nat changed his 
tactics by running this ad; 

Wanted: Ten Thousand Slackers. Address, The Show 
Down Company, Oyster Bay, N. Y. 

A lean, rough boned, typical Creole complected mortal 
appeared in person. Nat was acting as special guard at 
Oyster Bay, so the Creole accosted: 

"I am answering the Show Down ad. Can you tell me 
where I can find the manager of the Show that's down ? I 
have no money, but — " 

"Down where? Down South?" snatched Nat, drawing 
out the man's ideas. 

"Down for an upright actor," cringed the bronzed man, 
as his teeth gnashed, and his lips viced together. 

"Where in the world is an upright actor, not Down and 
Out?" challenged Nat. 

"I — I am one. I am an acrobat, with eye-batting hits, as 
a slacker on untaut ropes." 



33 



"Do you know anything about foreign red-tape, and 
abhor it? If so, we might measure you up and use you in 
our Misquito fleet going over to help France give the Kaiser 
a licking." 

Looking grim at Nat the man frowned. "Man, I have 
had many falls off a slack rope, on land, but I can't fall for 
joining the navy and be douched." 

"You can't fall ; you'll be raised to be an admiral, if you 
are agile, shrewd and proficient in war stratagem," sallied 
Nat. 

"But let's not talk of war; it's more dangerous than 
playing politics. Remember the 80 grafters sent recently 
from Evansville. I demand a job as a slacker," argued the 
man half angrily. 

"Slacker ! You boob, you are on that job now. You are 
a died-in-the-wool, ribald slacker — " 

"What — what do you mean, Mister?" 

"I mean in the meantime what I say, and always so, in 
your presence ! Don't you know in England the person who 
is in shape to go to war and should, but refuses, he is a 
slacker?" 

"No, I never read London Parliament sheets." 

"Not required. Open your top-knot by reading Ameri- 
can papers, or keep an ear to the ground, then stop ! look ! 
listen ! A slacker is the most undesirable citizen in America, 
no matter what his color or nationality," gruffed Nat, as he 
leveled his K. J. at the applicant. 

"But, but, oh Lord, Boss, you ain't gon'er blow my coco 
pff , is yo' ?" yelled the man, white with sudden astonishment, 
as he bent his trembling knees, while looking flushed bull- 
dog tenacity eyes at Nat. 

"If you want to join an International Show, and wish 
more than a ghost of a show for liberty hereafter, then en- 
list with the greatest, grandest glittering paraphernalia on 
earth — The American Army or Navy. If you don't admire 
that, then take your chances as a slacker and go as flotsam 
to the bottom of Heligoland, as food for sharks !" 

"Heaven, have a heart, man! Isn't there a chance to 
get on the stage as a slacker with the other troop here, who 
advertised as T. R. American?" 

"Nit. T. R. American means a True Representative 
American, so any slacker who applies for work here, then 
refuses the job, such a nincompoop is no True Representa- 
tive American," clinched Nat, as the Creole bulged out his 
solar-plexus girth, then grittingly pledged: 



34 



"Colonel, whatever you do, put me down for a show in 
the first ring. I've acted on sawdust, but now I'll eat saw- 
dust crackers, if I can crack shots for cracker- jack liberty 
over the sinciputs of all opponents of the most stupendous, 
sublimest, richest nation on earth — Uncle Sam." 



'It's easy to die hard," but hard to live easy. 
^ m m 



Berlin Spies. 



"Do you know," began Nat Kep, "Germany has such 
shrewd spies in America, they have already discovered that 
there are 25 Berlins in the United States?" 

"Is that so? You don't say! Is it possible?" gasped the 
dissipated pacifist who always says little as a repeater. 

"Yes, the largest of these towns is Berlin, Coos County, 
New Hampshire, with nearly 10,000 people. The next 
largest is Berlin, Lake County, Wisconsin, with perhaps 
5,000 inhabitants." 

"What is the smallest?" demanded the eager pacifist, as 
anxious to get into vital statistics as Nat Rep, the prepared- 
ness enthusiast. 

"There are several cross-roads stations by the name of 
Berlin. Ohio has more Berlins than any other state, includ- 
ing Berlin Crossroads, Berlin Centre, and Berlin Heights." 

"According to that the Buckeye state must be inhabited 
by hyphenated Americans. Were the Taf ts and Longworths 
born in some Berlin of Ohio?" asked a listener. 

"No, but listen! Kaiser Bill's inventors have not only 
perfected the submarine, but Kulture germs have produced 
a 'vacuum aeroplane.' " 

"What! you mean to insinuate they can now sweep the 
sky? That C-Aviators will descend on New York, Chicago, 
St. Louis, San Francisco, New Orleans and find how sani- 
tary, or filthy, or what dirty works some of the sky-scraper 
lofts detain or retain?" 



"Two to one that's it," laughed Nat. "One guy has al- 
ready invaded and did to America what the Kaiser planned 
and demanded." 

"What— what's that?" 

"Didn't you read in the Flegender Bletter, Kaiser Bill 
vowed if America must fight Germany she should first re- 
turn indemnity, for usury, then cease abusing the Gott sanc- 
tified word Berlin for wild-west crossroad villages. If Wil- 
son will not honor the German Imperial Government by 
re-baptising all such swimming-hole towns, then I. P. G. 
would invade, molest and abduct all such Berlin named 
places as her rightful and sole property," assented Nat to 
the amazed crowd, waiting to hear the morning paper news 
reeled off by some soap-box orator. 

"How can Ger-M any, without germs, capture those in- 
land towns? There may be rights to a name, but surely 
also fights to the rites of the situation," gnashed the pacifist, 
bunching up his fist, while he gazed at a dove encircling a 
picture of Bryan on the wall. "Germany has the rights and 
the situation at hand, because all those Berlin towns of any 
consequence, are now off Uncle Sam's hands; yes, off 
the American map, in the hands of Berlin, Germany." 

"How did it happen ? Come off your haunches. You are 
stuffing me with trench-gnats." 

"Never; no trench gnats, nor big-bug war guns. I'm 
shooting off straight, deadly gas. Don't you see the aim? 

"Those physological German inventors have devised such 
delicate instruments that anything which has a G-any 
flavor, aspect or contingency, will respond automatically to 
the soul-mate of the ether ethics of the opposite locality, ma- 
chine or people ; thus, presto, up go all such blunderbusters 
that were made for and in imitation of Germany, tho made 
in America." 

"I see. I comprehend. I understand. Yet I stand 
amazed. How could their machinations suck up all people, 
animals, money in the American Berlin towns ?" 

"Because the inventor over there was born in Illinois, 
the greatest sucker state on the surface of the earth or in 
the stomach of the globe. Since the U. S. was so dilatory, 
unpatriotic and refused to buy the machine patent for a 
reasonable price, therefore the manipulator adjusted the 
device against its first intents, then sold to Herr Bill for 
9,999,999 talers." 

"By heck of New York, and buy a close shave some time, 
do you positively believe those Terrible Richstag members 
have also a spotted tag on every American who wears an 



36 



up-turned Kaiser swirl mustache, and will their machines 
suck up such mortals to be exported for saltader abroad?" 

"Sure Mike ! Just yesterday I saw a gliding 'aerof lea- 
ger' dip down like a hawk on an innocent chicken, then he 
picked up a Von Holywig dude who sported a 1917 angle 
hairsuit under his smeller, similar to j^ours." 

"Wait-a-second !" shouted the pacifist, as barber San- 
ford locked his door to go home for night. "I'll give you 
five bucks if you return, then sever my Mexican steer-horn- 
Kaiser-Bill mustache." 

"Ha ! ha !" yelped Nat, "that proves this is going to be a 
'World's Wondrous Working War,' of splitting hairs and 
infinitives." 

When the pacifist was in the B-chair, the barber began 
talking. "That man in whom you were confiding is Nat 
Rep, the boob who invented the German 'aerofleager,' which 
sucks up all German attributes and plotters against Wilson, 
like a cyclone mops up crops, farms and people in the West." 

"What !" coughed the pacifist. "Quit gasconading. I'm 
not going to believe anything till I see facts." 

"Then it's too late to prepare for the worst," grinned 
Sanford. 

"I don't care ; no one will cut up around me after this." 
"Alright; here's your mustache. You want it back? I 
cut it up for fuel in Nat's 'aerofleager.' Burned hair gene- 
rates a stinking gas. Stench makes things go up in the 
air — see?" 

"Stop," wept the robbed man. "Guess I'll keep still. 
Goodby." 

m ^ m 

"For the time being," no being should ask for more time. 
s ^ ^ 



Teddy Bears Wanted 

Wanted: Ten Million Teddy Bears. Will decorate you 
with Iron Cross of war and make you eligible to seat in the 
Riechstag for each T. B. sent us. Address, The German 
Imperial Get-It-Society, Bern, Germany. 

So the ad read in many American periodicals. 

"Sure, I'll send them my Teddy Bear I obtained as a 
booby prize at the Ladies' Aid Social," said Miss Lena Jones, 



37 



a suffragette. "Besides, I'll collect a T. B. from my sister's 
child, and also some from my neighbors." 

Other people did similar antics, everywhere in the U. S. 

"What's all this fuss mean? Why do they crave Teddy 
Bears over in Germany?" asked the genial Express Agent 
at Rockport, who had just billed out T. B.'s by the thousand. 

"Oh, I guess for the Red Cross to cheer wounded sol- 
diers," presumed a shipper. 

"But I thot Germany has a grudge against Teddy, the 
real, for hugging war too tight against the Teutons," spoke 
the Expressman. "Why a substitute?" 

"The city of Bern is noted for its statues of bears in 
street corners, public buildings, parks. Since the originals 
have been destroyed by Entente Armies, the Germans want 
some bear substitute. As a repulse at America for joining 
the Allies, Herr G. proposes to beat her enemy unawares by 
forcing us to supply the deficiency of bear statues," argued 
Nat. 

"Is that so? Mercy me ! and goodness gracious ! Then 
I'll rescind my shipment and take back the various 57 Teddy 
Bears which the Rebeccas of my neighborhood donated. I 
don't want an Iron Cross no way ; I prefer a gold crown," 
caved a woman who had the facial blemishes of many typical 
submarine, high-water skirmishers. 

"So say I," chirped Lena Jones, "I'll also favor the Re- 
call, whether I can vote or not ; besides, as I can't get enough 
suffragist votes to get a decent seat in a car, I don't want an 
unsafe seat in the Rieclistag, because I already have too 
many tags tagging to each day. Mr. Agent, most graciously 
condescend to please revoke the shipment of 103 T. B.'s just 
billed for me to Bern." 

Then Nat Rep elucidated: "I see that a German in- 
ventor sucked up my 'vacuum aerofleager' everybody in 
the nine Bern towns of America, from Bern, N. Y., with its 
1,600 people, to Bern, Iowa, with only a bachelor, old maid, 
and two Teddy Bears." 

"Why those towns?" asked Miss Jones. 

"Because those people have German instincts, therefore 
every family had not only five Dauchhounds, but two score 
Teddy Bears of different colors and sizes. As the name 
Bern is German property, the Kaiser demands freedom to 
abscond with such." 

"Oh !" yelled Miss Jones, as she stared at Nat. "Maybe 
you are a vacillating German spy?" 



38 



Nat was mum, but bought a newspaper from a boy shout- 
ing "Extra," then read the real intent why Germany wanted 
Teddy Bears, thus disclosing Zimmerman's secret thru 
Mexico : 

"Germany knows all Teddy Bears cost considerable din- 
ero (dollars). Each bear is filled with real Staff-of-Life 
brand. As Teutons are in dire need of food we vidll play 
upon the womanly emotions of the Yankees, and thereby 
seduce millions of bears. When emptied we will use the 
cloth for clothing, but make the brand into nutritious war 
wafers. Don't disclose this until Wilson declares war 
against the Krupp and Hohenzeller dynasty. If that inev- 
itable time comes then the Imperial Government of Ger- 
many will cooperate with you, dearest Senor Carranza. We 
will ship you Teddy-bear-brand-new-wafers — provided you'll 
shoot Sherman's hell not only into Texas, but all of America, 
then mooch, as your share. New Mexico, Arizona, Texas." 

Nat was nonplussed, but he realized what his machina- 
tion had done. However, now he says his skill as an in- 
ventor, plus his body, will be used to the limit for American 
preparedness, as Billy Sunday urges and Teddy's states- 
manship and acts bear out. Can you bear to stand still and 
foe bullied? 




*'Call her doll, Utliputation or pigwidgeon,'* but chin only 
the urchin. 



39 



The Fanfaronade Queen 

A big fanfaronade was planned for Rockpeak, Ind., at 
which a military preparedness parade was to be the pre- 
dominating feature. A queen for this gorgeous demonstra- 
tion was to be chosen. Nat Rep, the farmer journalist and 
originator, was put on the Press and Arrangement com- 
mittee. To him, amid other duties, was left the job of con- 
ducting a contest, or scheme, to elect a debonair young 
queen, who was to typify the statue of Liberty on a gigantic 
red, white and blue flower-decorated auto float. 

Of course there were many queenly girls in Fencer Coun- 
ty, but Nat believed that competition is not only the life of 
trade, but the endurance of honor. He did not fancy laws 
that abridge or abrogate inter-state commerce, nor annul 
right of freedom, especially since his school chum, Miss 
Helen White, was abroad. So he sent this ad to the Pub- 
lisher's Council, Chicago: "Wanted — weeklies to send me 
group photos of their lady staff contributors. Mention 
name, age, nationality, religion, financial standing, educa- 
tion and address of each correspondent. We want to get 
the most congenial, pulchritude maid in America, as one 
day queen of our patriotic fanfaronade. $50, $25 and $10 
paid to the three publishers who send best, second and third 
best photos with complete information. $500 in cash, or 
auto given free to girl whom I choose as this queen." 

As the live-wire, alert county editors read that item, 
many shouted, "Eureka! we always said it pays to read 
ads." 

In a few weeks on Nat's mahogany desk lay 1,364 cab- 
inet, composite photographs, depicting glossy shadows of 
thousands of beautiful, fat, homely, frizzled, pompous, lean 
females. With each group portrait was a long letter ex- 
plaining in exalting detail every quality, characteristic, 
wealth condition, and position each lady represented. 

"By heck, the pedigree of each is so charmingly replete 
my brain is perplexed. I can't decide which is the prettiest, 
most congenial and debonair. 

"Here, Mr. Mayor, please help me out of this predica- 
ment," shuffled Nat, as he was indexing the photos to pig- 
eon-hole them, while fumbling over a mass of mail. 



40 



"Nix for me," grilled Mayor Stead. "If I should take a 
hand in that, my wife might claim I ordered those and am 
picking out my second wife. No, you got your foot in it; 
now if you are a journalist of real 'pep,' pull thru some way. 
But remember this, you must get us a peach of a queen for 
that preparedness parade." 

So back to his task Nat spurred his nimble wits. Among 
the numerous lists were county staff reporters whom editors 
paid as high as $5 per week, stamped envelopes and their 
weekly regularly. Others worked gratis, for the love of 
scribbling. 

In a few days Nat thot he would like to award the $50 to 
Mr. Clem Weatherby, editor of Patriotic Power of Boone- 
ville. This paper Nat preferred to honor because of this 
principle, "If you can't find locally what you want, then 
trade as near at home as possible." 

Besides, perhaps the vital reason was that in this Boone- 
ville photo was the likeness of one among twelve ugly ladies, 
more or less ostracized. This one seemingly youthful duck- 
ling, petite as the downy white fuzz of an idea, appealed to 
Nat. Mr. Weatherby described this Miss Mabel Teaswell 
as being "21 years young, kind, a graduate of Moor's Hill — 
the college coming to Evansville. A stenographer, a musi- 
cian of note, without and with notes; a Protestant, only 
child of a farmer, and worth in her own name $18,000." 

Therefore Nat got busy. This girl a steno, could help 
Nat maybe in his ambitious literary efforts. He wrote: 

"Miss Teaswell : 

"I see you are a talented correspondent for Patri- 
otic Power. I have decided to give that publisher 
$50, first prize, for the information and photo he 
furnished — provided you accept $500 or auto, then be 
the queen of our Fanfaronade July 4th." 

To Nat's dismay that letter was returned stamped, 
"Can't be found." Nat scratched his head like a bald-pated 
man solving for ideas — to make 'em grow, the idea ! Soon 
he mailed that letter to Bob Gritt, a bank detective, and 
asked for facts. Five dollars was enclosed as fee. 

Bob Gritt phoned next day: "Yes, Miss Teaswell was 
correspondent here six months ago. She is now dead. I 
showed your letter to the editor of P. P. and he urged me to 
phone you to rush the $50 and choose one of the other ladies 
as queen." 

"I can't do that. Too many other better looking com- 
petitors," shrieked Nat into the hard rubber nickeled trans- 
mitter. 



41 



"But if you won't send $50 I must charge you double our 
regular fees, and the editor says he will sue for the amount 
due him on your responsible promise." 

"If you will read my letter carefully, you will observe I 
said to Miss Teaswell $50 belongs to P. P. provided she ac- 
cepts $500 or auto." 

"Well, I'll accept the auto — send it on," cringed the 
sleuth." 

"Are you a female?" laughed Nat. 

"Hey! hey! hang up there. Quit calling up all these 
pretty girls. Haven't you found a queen for the Fanfaron- 
ade ?" shouted the postmaster, as he entered Nat's den. 

"By sweet ginger, with the spice of by-products soared, 
this is more of a 'sell' than I anticipated. I can't get the 
products, or subjects, I want for my objective view point," 
worried Nat. Slowly he pulled out several big photos on 
which were fac simile representations of graceful women, 
smiling maids, curly-cue beauties. One was from The Spot- 
light of Ypsilanti, Michigan. "There is a dimpled damsel 
whom I should now love to have — " 

"You! you! I thot you was getting the queen for the 
carnival," laughed the P. M. 

"I was; that is, I aim to, if I can can one," retaliated 
Nat. "I was going to say I would like to have that one as 
our queen," pointing to one Miss Alice Drexel. 

"Yes, but that photo is soiled on the left, and faded on 
the upper right hand corner. It isn't the most perfect photo 
you received in this contest; so the Post office authorities 
might nab you for misconduct if you scheme to pass that as 
a winner," advised Charlie Chaplin Singmore, the pink 
perfection P. M. 

"Who is the judge? I am ; the prize goes to what photo 
I think the best irrespective of postal laws, or other causes 
or flaws," Nat grilled, amid a determined glare in his 
cornea. 

Just as Nat was scooting up his typewriter to reply to 
three publishers, one of which was the Spotlight editor, the 
postmaster handed Nat a bunch of letters, and a notice from 
the P. M. General of Washington. The injunction said: 

"You are conducting an illegal lottery scheme. Altho 
no fee is charged, you have no right and each publisher is 
similarly implicated, in broadcasting the addresses and de- 
scriptions of respectable ladies. Cease the fanatic practice 
immediately, or stand the indictment." 

Nat trembled, then looked askance at the cud-munching 
P. M. who was coughing and hoping he could make a po- 



42 



litical hit with Nat, so he proffered, "Don't worry kid. Do 
as they say. 1,11 help you out, see? Then you aid me in 
future campaigns." 

"Help nothing! you are stuffing blue acorns down my 
windpipe. Aid to the wounded is appreciated, but I am not 
yet crippled. I'll settle this mess myself." 

So he had his ctenographer duplicate copies of a special 
letter to the three publishers to whom Nat wished to award 
the $50, $25 and $10. It informed in part : 

"You win a prize as noted above. Of course you will 
assure me your staff contributors knew of this contest and 
were willing to be listed accordingly." 

The reply from each publisher was : 

"Sorry, pal, but we have just been informed by post- 
master to 'cut-it-out.' We did not know whether we would 
win a prize or not, so sent the picture without any of the 
ladies knowing, and we hoped for a surprise. Now we got 
it, but reversed. Because some of these constituents read 
nev/s despatches that you were notified to cease trying to 
get a carnival queen by secret methods thru local editors. 

"Each lady asked us if we were implicated. Therefore 
we must not only desist to have anything whatsoever to do 
with your matrimonial lottery, but some of the hags threat- 
en to sue you and us for leading them into something fishy 
without their written permit." 

"Holy Moses!" yelled Nat. "Guess I'll abdicate like 
the Czar, then go to Israel and stay 40 years in the wilder- 
ness without a honey. It's a pity I can't lead the children 
of Rockpeak, with my queen in this land of promisory notes 
and delayed preparedness." 

At this juncture the postman threw a letter upon Nat's 
desk. The schemer opened it, then read: "I just heard 
that you offer $50 to the editor who sends best photo of 
staff contributors. One of the ladies on said photo to be 
chosen queen of your carnival and win $509 cash or auto. 
I have six country scribes. I'll send you photo, names, etc., 
if you wire me to that effect. The Suffraget Slogan, Oco- 
nomonoc, Wisconsin." 

Nat beamed brightly, "That's my pippin! Since all 
other papers have rescinded interest in this contest I am 
free to act. As the time is short I'll wire $50 and order the 
Suffraget to rush me that photo, then I'll pick out the 
most beautiful little chicken. Even if she hasn't a dollar 
to her name, I'll perch her on the throne of Liberty in our 
coming grand parade." 



43 



Quickly Nat searched for a telegram sheet. Biting his 
pencil, while looking wild-eyed, he continued: "Shucks! 
on second thot, I won't take any chances to again lose. I 
must have a queen here July 4th. I'll instruct the obliging 
contemporary of the S. S. to rush me the name, address, 
age, religion, financial condition, nationality of the lady in 
the farthest top right hand corner of his group of writers. 
A woman's a woman so what's the difference? They all 
are cute, if a man only thinks so." 

When the telegram came, it divulged these startling 
statements: "Picture will arrive in few days. The lady 
farthest to top right hand corner is myself — Mrs. Billy 
Bowser. I live in the country, but go to town once a month 
to print the Suff raget Slogan. I've been married five times. 
I got a divorce from last husband because he said women 
had no rgiht to vote. I have one red-headed boy and 13 
daughters, all single. I am 59 years young. I confess no 
religion, except to be true to the man who lets me be queen 
not only for a day but until Doomsday. I possess no money, 
but hope I can pay off my $9,800 mortgage on my press, if 
I get the right man to elect me to Congress. I am a Ger- 
man by birth, and Irish by mirth. It's no joke I harbor no 
admiration for hyphenated love words, but I adore the male 
who makes a lovely dash for me." 

When Nat had finished he was purple as a skinned 
frog, and almost unable to hop, or step farther. He ven- 
tured, "I won't look at her picture when it comes. I know 
too much now." He buried his head in his hands, like a 
woman defeated in despair of nothing. Next day a pack- 
age was placed on his desk. Adroitly he raised it. 

"I'll take a peep at it. Maybe it is the old skate and 
she's pretty." 

As he unrolled the package he spied instantly that all 
the ladies were as old as Methuselah, and ugly as bridge- 
mortar slapped against concrete finishing. 

"I'll keep the soft pedal," he gritted. "She will never 
be the queen; that's sure." 

He set his right foot down, and his teeth snapped up as 
into the room came a gracful, sweet girl of 18 bright 
summers. 

"Howdy do, Helen White. I am so proud to see you. 
I thot you had forgotten me. How did you enjoy South 
America? Glad you didn't get drowned when the Laconia 
sank," Nat gleed. 

After grasping hands heartily and explaining exciting, 
special features of her trip around the world during the war 



44 



crisis, the polite and refined daughter of the richest land- 
owner in Pencer County offered: 

"I hear you have failed in your attempts to get an im- 
ported queen for the Fanfaronade. If I am not intruding 
may I suggest Miss Alta Beatley? She's an Owensboro, 
Kentucky, blue grass born beauty." 

"Oh, she and I played outs long ago, and she tried to 
put all the girls in t he town against me. That's why I 
wanted to get a foreign model for revenge." 

"I wish I might propose some one foreign enough to fill 
the bill," Helen smiled, as she brushed the Japan lace on 
her decollete gown. 

"You shall. Miss Helen, if you grant me the grandil- 
oquent honor to nominate yourself," Nat blushed as he eyed 
her pink, plump form. 

"Me! oh I fear I can't pay sufficient duty to enter the 
trade of queens," Miss White jollied, as she grabbed Nat's 
hand, then swung it back and forth, like a baby in cupid's 
hammock. 

"Yes, you can; no use joshing. You are it!" assured 
Nat, as he tickled her chitty-chatty chin. 

"I don't know. You must see mamma about it." 

"Never. You are old enough to vote, even if too young 
to protest," replied Nat. 

So the prize auto was bought with the Committee funds, 
then decorated profusely for Miss Helen White, on which 
she enticingly, gracefully depicted the statue of Liberty in 
the far heralded parade. Thousands of people, from every 
nook in the county, witnessed the superb, beautiful floats. 
Helen White was the ideal of all, with Nat Rep as Uncle 
Sam, at her side for protection. 

That night at the grand ball Nat took his queen Helen 
to a secluded niche under giant, potted Florida palms. Then 
he asked life's olden, golden question : "Is it war, or peace, 
between you and I hereafter?" he whispered. 

"Shee! listen! be still. It's peace, if I may be your 
dove," she cooed. 

"That grants our paradise," he owned proudly, as he 
kissed her hand. 

Suddenly there yelled a voice, "Is Nat Rep here?" 

After he was pointed out, a gauky, mackrel-shaped 
woman approached Nat, indignantly. 

"I am Mrs. Billy Bowser. You ordered me queen of 
this carnival, so I am yours for life's crown." 



45 



"Oh Nat, did you correspond with such a freak?" shiv- 
ered Helen, as she huddled under his massive, manly 
shoulders. 

"Oh, come off!" roared sheriff Catsman. "Nat told me 
he expected trouble from competitors. You can keep the 
$50, which is all he promised, but I'll lock you up until you 
decide to go home and tend to your Suffrage Slogan." 

After three days of fasting and arguing for car fare 
Mrs. Bowser decided to return to Oconomonoc. 

Now Helen's parents have announced the wedding of 
their only child to Nat Rep who still holds a National Rep 
as a unique schemer. 




"Some people would pay in full,'* hut it's against the law 
to pay while full. 



46 



Taking His Own Medicine 

Nat Rep sent a war story to the Hubnob Magazine of 
New York. With it he enclosed this note : "Please accept 
for usual rates. Answer at once." 

In hebdominal time the story returned to Persimmons- 
ville, Indiana, with this pert note from the editor: "Sorry. 
We are answering at once." 

Then Nat replied: 

Dear Sir: 

We all make mistakes, but before trying to correct an- 
other person one had better be certain he makes no blun- 
der in his attack. You have been kind to me in that you 
always took time to write me personally and did not enclose 
the usual printed rejection slip. When you said one time, 
"You could write great stories, if you would take more time 
to construct them," that put me on the road to real literary 
preparedness. Of late you could find no fault with my tales, 
but you always had too much similar matter. Of course I 
write no similar stuff, but all original ; yet what can a mere 
Hoosier author do to butt in successfully with a Yankee 
publisher? I just kept mum and worked, studied on. How- 
ever, since you now attack my letters I am constrained to 
say the submarine belittling of my skill and rights has gone 
far enough. My letters are not for publication and are often 
written in a hurry, so why take your valuable time to chide, 
or correct them, especially when in your attack you blunder 
yourself ? 

Your stenographer should have underscored the words 
"at once" with the typewriter, but you took time by the fore- 
lock to grasp a pen to underscore. It is dauby and inelegant. 
Again, while some boobs object to the phrase "at once" it is 
as common and proper as your "widow-woman." Besides, I 
knew j^ou had kept former Mss. for several months, but as 
this was a timely article it needed immediate response. I 
hold "at once" is just as grammatical as "forthwith," or 
"at last," "at all," "at any rate," "at a stand," "at a stand 
still," of whiskey and going on the water wagon. "At once" 



47 



is as legal as "without delay," "post haste," "before long,^ 
"pretty soon." 

Tho provincial I hear Shakespeare say, "Get thee out 
from hence at once, oh Brutus!" Roosevelt in The Metro- 
politan says "at once," April issue. 

After reading- all this evidence, the editor of the Hubnob 
Magazine smiled. "By heck, he can argue like a woman 
with no foundation of fact. Wonder he didn^t quote the 
Bible as approving the phrase "at once." Fll tell him to 
send me a story." 

Nat sallied back, "I don't do C. O. D. biz with overbear- 
ing, critical editors." 

"Then I'll send the guy $25 for a story," the editor 
mused. 

When Nat got the coin he wrote : "Thanks, this pays 
for the story you read regarding 'at once,' or 'Taking His 
Own Medicine.' " 

"Geerusalem! hasn't he cheek? This must be a minia- 
ture Wilson-Kaiser exchange of notes, so I won't be out- 
classed but send him $50 to show I am game and order him 
to send me something good." 

After Nat cashed the check he continued to write, but 
paid no attention to the Hubnob Magazine. Finally the 
editor sent a wire with this "raving" threat: "You are 
writing for others. Stop it. You hold $50 of mine which 
I sent for a manuscript. Rush it on, or return the money, 
else we wall be compelled to place this matter in our attor- 
ney's hands." 

"Place it," wrote Nat. "You did not order a Mss., but 
said, 'Send something good.' 1 will now do this. Under 
separate cover registered, I mail a bottle of my patented 
ink which you can use to underscore future phrases of *at 
once,' any time you find time to do so. Now — what will 
you do?" 

"Keep the money," wrote the editor. "We are square 
enough to realize when we are beaten. Send us any Mss. 
you have in the near future and we will pay you 5c a word." 

"Ha !" laughed Nat, "that shows an author must talk his 
wares into print, just like a drummer beats sal soda sales 
into the grocer." 



48 



The Liar Trapped 



"I'll just swipe that tire. I need one and no person will 
suspicion me," gloried Rev. Tom Hildebrandt, of the Grand- 
view Salem church, as he dashed his big Studemaker auto 
near the town pump. In the dusk he sauntered near the 
Argo car, then helped himself to canned wind. 

There was a fire at Codding's warehouse at the Ohio 
landing and everybody was storming to get to that blaze. 
The abduction of the mute tire was therefore simple, and 
the Rev. rattled home past Dr. Clear's residence to his own 
manse. Once there, he quickly adjusted the new tire and 
laid aside the punctured and plastered old. 

The next day the fire and tire loss were the talk of that 
burg. 

"Bro. Hildebrandt, are you a good detective?" asked 
Marshal Burguson. 

"No. What — what's up? Some one steal an auto tire?" 
the Reverend stammered. 

"No, we were just considering to make up a fund, then 
get some Pinkerton man after the fire fiend," spoke Mr. 
Randal, the richest man in town. 

"Oh, I — I was think — why, sure, of course, that's the 
fifth fire in ten days we have had here, so something had 
better be done," replied the pastor. 

Marshal Burguson noticed the perceptible uncommon ir- 
ritation under which the pastor talked. Burguson was mum, 
but went to Hildebrandt's house to investigate. 

"By heck of New York, and buy nothing of a preacher, 
this proves my contentions and clinches my tire clue," 
grinned Burguson, as he examined the new tire on the back 
right wheel and found a private mark on it. Then he saw 
the old tire. Instantly he went to Mr. Codding's office at 
the Flour Mill, where he expostulated: "What are the 
markings on your lost tire, Dan?" 

"Nothing but 'D. C " 

"Then you owe me the $100 reward you offered a few 
hours ago. I think I have landed the thief." 

"Who is he?" 



49 



"The Rev. Tom Hildebranclt." 

"What, my pastor? Surely not. Oh, if so, we better 
keep the soft pedal." 

"Silence is golden, but it will rust on you if you refuse 
to have the brass to fight it out," retaliated the officer, as 
he proudly swung his mace. 

Rev. Hildebrandt had served the church six months. He 
was a graduate of DePaw, and was to be married to Miss 
Alice McCoy, one of the charming young ladies of the beauti- 
ful town. When Miss McCoy heard of the case, she agon- 
ized : 

"Oh, it cannot be. Tom is a man of God. I shall not 
believe him guilty until so proven." 

The following Tuesday, Hildebrandt was tried before 
Esquire Mosback in the village court. 

" *D. C is on the tire, which means Dan Codding," 
claimed Burguson. 

"Wrong; *D. C means District of Columbia; that's 
where I bought it," dissented the pastor. 

"No Mail Order Houses in that District, and nothing 
was shipped to the accused since he is here," substantiated 
the Express Agent. 

"You stole this tire, didn't you ?" spoke the Marshal con- 
fidently. 

"You're a liar," retorted the Gospel man, as he pranced 
and acted a sermon of devilish wr^th. After considerable 
more cross-examining, Hildebrandt confessed to the theft, 
by saying : 

"Gentlemen, I'm guilty; but by the grace of God, have 
mercy." 

"We will, but for the manly grace of the town we order 
you to immediately vamoose, or be tarred and feathered 
tonight," roared the basso voice of Dutch Vinderhoop. 

"All I ask, may I yet see my sweetheart?" he wept, as he 
gritted his teeth and began to tear a gunny sack into shreds. 

"No, a person who will steal a tire while a neighbor's 
grain is burning, will do almost anything criminal; there- 
fore, you are not a fit subject to further wait on the pulchri- 
tude lady in question," decreed Mosback, while the crowd 
cheered. 

On the following traction car the long, black-frocked 
man disappeared, via Evansville. Nothing was heard of 
Hildebrandt for a long time. In fact the josh was that he 
had gone the long way to Tipperary. Nobody cared but 
Alice. Suddenly one week, after many months, The Meteor 
reported : 



50 



"Special Despatch : It is said that Ned V. Tilborn, the 
Cincinnati millionaire banker and traveler, saw Rev. Tom 
Hildebrandt in Borneo, doing excellent work among the 
Dyaks." 

That item was worth the price of the local paper many 
times over, to that eager and anticipating heart of the loyal 
Hoosier girl. 

Miss McCoy set her wits to planning. Before many 
weeks, Bishop Doering, of the Diocese of South Dutch Col- 
ony in Borneo, received a letter explaining Cupid and asking 
definite particulars of Rev. Tom Hildebrandt. In due time 
the lovers corresponded, and the suitor sent money for Alice 
to meet him, as she was now 19 springs young. 

"You shall not go," sternly protested her parents. 

However, determination has a method of incorporating 
its constitutional rights, so the coy Miss deserted her nice 
Indiana home, as she took the Owl car South. 

Great plans were being laid for the wedding at Borneo, 
and the Bishop cheered : 

"When your inamorato arrives, we shall increase your 
salary 20% and you may have the position of Superintend- 
ent of The Mission Home." 

Finally the steamer St. John puffed past the Pamarung 
Islands, and went up the Koetei river. They landed at Sam- 
arinda, a city of 10,000 blacks, dutch and other races, the 
largest city of Borneo. As the two lovers embraced each 
other, with satisfying smacks, the Dyaks gazed on, then rat- 
tled: "Lootze he ee rez Amkernus." (Looks like sweet- 
hearts of America). 

"Yes," joyed Hildebrandt, in Dyak lingo, "this is my soul 
affinity mate to whom I never told a lie." 

But lies, or suggestio falsi and sins, evidently travel far. 
It seems the Chief of the Dyaks had heard of Hildebrandt's 
record, so in plain English he commanded : 

"He big fool. He stole, then told the lady a suppresio 
veri, by saying he didn't steal the tire. That act don't 
count here, but the fact that he just here boasted he never 
told a lie, makes him a liar, for whose specie we have no 
use, so kill him." 

Instantly a hundred negroes, bushwhackers, half-naked 
men and women rushed on the preacher. Alice struggled 
vehemently trying to liberate the captive. 



51 



It was a fierce strife, with knives, clubs, tommy-hawks 
dangling in varied directions. "Be merciful," she plead to 
the Bishop. 

"Why don't you intercede? Horrors! don't you see the 
glaring bowie knives? They will murder my life mate." 

Sorrowfully, but bravely and calmly the Bishop enlight- 
ened: "It is my hearty prayer that Hildebrandt be com- 
muted. But it is beyond my immediate power to assist, or 
cover up any lies in this country ; because, all who fib here 
must assuredly die, tho a falsehood may pass unmolested in 
America." 

The next day a giant mound was on the spot where Hil- 
debrandt had met his doom. These mounds are frequently 
erected to falsifiers in Koetei so all Dyaks may remember 
the severity of corruptive Ananias habits. 

Alice knelt, with intense grief, on that mound: "Oh, 
God, what will now become of me in this far, unknown 
country? Had I only renounced the liar when first discov- 
ered. Ah, how sweet old Hoosier land now seems !" 




"No matter if you are on your last pegs," make those 
pegs last. 



52 



Selling Defunct Papers 

That indefatigable Hoosier, Nat Rep, ever alert to new 
timely schemes for profit, noticed frequently some pub- 
lishers advertising that they would buy publications going 
out of business. 

Nat knew the postal law says, "No paper dare suspend 
publication, after it has a legitimate paid subscription list, 
passing as second class, unless the editor sells, or arranges 
with another publisher so subscribers will receive some 
paper as recompense for balance of their paid subscrip- 
tions." 

"I own no paper," said Nat, "but am intimately acquaint- 
ed with a few publishers who would sell at an extremely 
low price, owing to the present excessive cost of paper stock. 
I'll buy, or trade them my Texas grazing land in Brewster, 
the largest county of Uncle Sam's, and I'll do it before 
Germany donates Mexico that section." Nat's eyes spar- 
kled, as do those of Luoff the new Russian Prime Minister 
of War. Nat's sedulous ambition was rife on the war path 
of shrewd biz. 

"No, I won't buy," he halted. "If Prince Luoff could 
organize the All-Russian Zemstoo Union with fifteen men, 
then increase that army to one million in 30 months, I too 
can do something worthy in my line of endeavor — the news- 
paper jobbing business. 

"I won't bother with old, defunct papers, but start new 
ones of my own, then palm them off, before many issues 
expense to me, on the aspiring folks who crave to behold 
their name blazoned under columns something like this : 

THE ROASTER 

Published weekly at Rockport, Ind. 
Price $1.50 year. Sample 10c. 

Entered as second class matter in a third 
class post office by a first class editor — 
Bill Smith. 

Thus Nat went to work under the plan he had formu- 
lated. He sent 25c to the Consolidated Magazine Syndicate 
of St. Louis, for which he received prepaid 25 copies of a 



53 



9x12, 20-page magazine, with privilege of charging 5c per 
word fo3: ads and retaining 2c on each word. Said ads to 
run in one hundred syndicated magazines. One copy mailed 
for one cent postage. 

The first paper Nat called The Roaster. It was mailed 
to a select list of lady friends, and a few of Nat's enemies, 
who had scoffed at the idea of being an author, or publisher. 
A copy was sent to the local Journal, also 25c for which 
they ran this boost: "The Journal is in receipt of The 
Roaster, a unique mag'azine published by Nat Rep, our au- 
thor-friend in the woods of Persimmonsville, near Rockport, 
It is an excellent paper and bespeaks well for the journalis- 
tic ambitions of Mr. Nat Rep, who will no doubt some day 
have a National Reputation as a versatile author." 

"Talk about revenge," laughed Nat, "that fluffy-taffy, 
if read by my friends and foes, is enough to put me in good 
standing with everybody hereafter." 

But the coveted subscriptions were slow in coming. In 
fact, a few of the men returned the Roaster. Mabel Good, 
who once got mad as a wet hen because Nat gave popcorn 
to Amanda Jones before he handed it to Miss Good, she 
therefore wrote : 

"Keep your Roaster. What I want is a cook, whoever 
marries me. But mother says you're too timid; she don't 
like you, besides a newspaper man has the most rotten pro- 
fession going." 

Nat looked glum, however he knew like a politician, what 
he was promulgating ; so he continued to carry his ideas to 
perfection. 

The next month he had added two other similar periodi- 
cals, under the caption of "Patriotic Preparation" and 
"Love's Weekly Record." 

When Mabel Good heard about the new magazine, 
"Love's Weekly Record," she opined : "It's too awfully bad 
I sent Nat that scathing retort last month. He must be mak- 
ing money by those papers. I see he is starting new mags 
as fast as is Sir Alfred Harmsworth of London, Munsey of 
New York, or that man of the Muncie, Indiana, Star. Nat 
has now not only two monthlies, but that 'Love's Weekly 
Record.' Title is so appealing as *V's Eyes.' I'd love to die 
if I could only see a copy. I'll send for a free sample." 

Nat in cold business manner replied: "Sample copy 
never free. One dime, please. This is no charity institu- 
tion." 

"Gee!" roared Miss Mabel, "I thot publishers were glad 
to get a chance to send copies of their paper to interested 
people. Nat is already puffed up. He has so many ads in 



54 



The Roaster I know he now has oodles of kale, because 
Breakfast Food, Tobacco and Mail Order House ads bring 
the dosh." 

The inexperienced girl did not realize that those adver- 
tisements were syndicated and most of them were gotten 
by the firm, so Nat from them derived no profits. Such 
concerns are glad to have pseudo-pretentious publishers or- 
der a few dozen, or hundred copies, then proudly mail them 
to friends. Thus the ads are carefully, widely circulated 
without much cost to the Syndicate. 

By this time Nat had written to The Rompton's Agency 
of Cleveland, who agreed to furnish legitimate subscriptions 
for Nat's three publications, at no expense to Nat. It al- 
most seemed too good to be true. 

"How can you do it gratis?" asked Nat. 

"Because we get our pay from our agents who solicit in 
clubs. We are eager to list your papers, as it gives extra 
inducement for our enlarging operations." 

"Can I get second class rates immediately, if you fur- 
nish the subscriptions?" demanded Nat, figuring on the 
cost of postage. 

"Certainly, if you follow our instructions, and keep your 
price as we agree, then clear all orders we get. Just get 
out a few samples." 

So in a few days Nat got out small editions of The 
Roaster, Love's Weekly Record and Patriotic Preparation. 
He sent copies to Rompton's, who appeared in person and 
handed Nat, in a few weeks, 500 bona fide subs for The 
Roaster, 5,000 for Love's Weekly Record and 10,000 for 
Patriotic Preparation. 

In the meantime Nat had run this classified ad in The 
Printers Auxiliary, of Chicago. 

"Legitimate sub list of three papers for sale. Owing to 
Russian revolution and my wife's constitution I will sell 
reasonable." 

Many replied. Nat by correspondence and telegram 
tried especially to sell The Roaster ; but the buyers surmised 
it was a sort of muckraker, so did not wish to cater to such 
a list. One fellow wrote, "If you had 'The Booster' I might 
buy," which proved there sometimes is something in a name. 
Finally, however, Nat sold the 500 list to Nathan Strong, of 
Cincinnati, for $100. Strong said he wanted to roast Con- 
gressman Longworth and Hon. Chas. Taft, the publisher. 
I am afraid instead of a roast, Mr. Strong will give only a 
weak scorching. 

Next, Nat received several offers for Patriotic Prepara- 
tion 10,000 list, and sold for the best cash offer at $2,500 to 



55 



Sam BIythe, of Portland, Oregon. Evidently Mr. Blythe felt 
the need of some sort of preparedness in the northwest. I 
am told this Sam is 42nd cousin of "S. B." of Washington, 
D. C, fame. 

To Nat's further surprise Mabel Good was one of the 
many who answered: "Saw your ad in P. Aux. I'll pay 
you $1,000 for bona fide list of 5,000 subs to any good 
weekly." 

Nat smiled. "This is such a romantic episode I must 
go in person to see Mabel." So he duded up, like a Harry 
Lehr imitation, then walked across the Willow Pond neigh- 
borhood, over blue grass, amid Spring's golden-headed dan- 
delions, to his neighbor's farm home — the Romanoff Goods, 
who had immigrated from Petrograd, but were naturalized 
and sympathizers for everything made in America. 

When Nat rang the nickel bell on the Florida yellow pine, 
Jap-lap ingrained front door, Mrs. Good answered. 

"Don't you see that sign? We are sufficiently modern- 
ized Americans to have Yankee ways," raved the big, buxom 
Moscow-shaped woman. 

"Yes, I see it says 'All goods delivered in the back,' so 
madam, if you will turn your back I'll rub it in what I have 
to say, like an osteopath while readjusting a backbone," 
retorted Nat, wrathfully. 

"You fresh up-start! don't you affront me with slan- 
derous, back-biting remarks." Then she cooled on an after- 
thot. "Really, on the side, to lay this aside, I admire your 
side-splitting brass. I should like my inclined literary 
daughter, Mabel, to meet you. Perhaps you could be her 
Press Agent." 

"Thank you," scintillated Nat, as Mrs. Good yelled for 
her daughter. 

"I'll press her, alright, if she gives me half a chance," 
soliloquized Nat. 

When the debonair, daughter arrived in her milk-maid 
togs, with a De Pellet Cream Separator sign on her apron, 
Nat advanced. 

"I represent a New York Syndicate, who sell defunct 
papers' subscription lists to other publishers. I hear you 
want to launch a weekly, so I will sell you a bona fide list 
of 5,000 subscribtions for $1,000 cash." 

After sucking the milled rubber end of a No. 2 thick 
leaded editorial soft pencil, and saying, "Listen, listen," a 
half dozen times automatically, Miss Mabel coj^ly surmised : 

"That's rather exorbitant, and so expensive as a new 
Spring orange sprayed Panama hat ; but — but — " 



56 



"Yes ; but ; but it's cheaper than waiting for Villa agents 
to get enough subs for second class rates," argued Nat. 

"I believe that's so ; besides, when I have a good sub list 
I can charge more for ads, thus make money from the first 
issues," attested Mabel, as she began unconsciously, or 
proudly to recite a few lines of her latest raphsody effu- 
sions : 

"Tho the Czar fell 
By good revolution, 
Kaiser goes to hell 
Lacking constitution !" 

"Well, by the jam of preservation and the shove of reser- 
vation, what are you going to do about it?" yelped Mrs. G. 
as tho she was the boss of the throne in that domicile. "Want 
this gentleman to wait all week, or until Congress meets 
again to approve Wilson's patriotism? You know your pa 
said he would furnish $2,000 if you want to establish a 
paper, as it was cheaper to print your own stuff than to 
pay due postage on returned Mss." 

"I guess, that is I — I suppose I will take your paper list, 
provided I can have it for $998,69 ; and if you will tell me 
the name of your paper," dilly-dallied and jewed Mabel, like 
she was in front of a 98c shopping counter. 

"Of course it is necessary that the name of my paper is 
mentioned in the contract, even tho we don't get credit for 
items others copy," replied Nat, "but it is mutually under- 
stood that no matter what the name, you will buy my paper 
as agreed." 

"Sure, write up the proper papers," urged Mrs. G. Then 
Nat sat on their concrete steps as he began to fill out blank 
spaces in a typed document, while Mabel warbled around 
like a Russian belle gulping vodek, as she danced a Spanish 
jota, and winked at Nat from the nose-adjacent comer of 
her right eye. 

"Oh, beg pardon !" she exclaimed, as Nat arose to hand 
her the signed contract and sub list. "I forgot to offer you 
a chair." 

"Silly gump ! Just like all forgetful editors. Why didn't 
you invite the gallant into the front auto view room?" 
snarled Mrs. G. 

"Maybe this gentleman is himself a poet, or staff war 
contributor for Russia." 

"Yes, I am," laughed Nat, as he twisted up his auburn 
mustache, as tho he might also be a German spy. 

"I adore that up-turned hair under your nose. It shows 
you have vitality and you by nature know how to turn up 



57 



things, and maybe turn over carrots in rings," chided Mabel. 
"Would vou condescend to become my staff contributor at 
$1 a word?" 

"Most assuredly ; positively certain," coughed Nat, with 
clinching emphasis on every binding synonym. "I have al- 
ways told dad I'll be in Teddy's class some day as a writer, if 
not as a fighter. But I'd like to write my first article not 
on war, nor of Bull Moose, but this, "Will you marry me?" 

"Sure, of course, you know — why yes, here take the 
money," shuffled Mrs, Romanoff Good excitedly, as tho she 
was trying to barter her roaming daughter off, while she 
counted the gold dosh into Nat's blood hot, emotional, ting- 
ling palms. 

"Now for the contract," joyed Mabel. 

When she read, "This certifies that Nat Rep sold 5000 
sub list and good will of 'Love's Weekly Record' to Mabel 
Good for $998.69 cash," the damsel keeled over, like a La- 
conia ship hit by a German sub. 

Now the "L. W. R." is also defunct, but Nat Rep and 
Mabel, are continually originating new papers, advertising 
and selling their sub lists for ten times more than they had 
obtained for poetry, stories and other magazine articles. 



m s m 

"Betvare of the calf-raoon" and the hull-star. 

m m m 

"Beivare of the nizy, goiik, kaloop," also the nincompoop. 

58 



The Contest 

Nat Rep, a poor Hoosier mortal, had a "national rep" 
as a winner of prizes in contests. When the Farmers' In- 
stitute was in session, Nat won first prize for best ten ears 
of yellow dent corn — a nickel plated, fancy saddle given by 
Sol Baum, the genial Jew merchant of Persimmonsville. 
But the ten ears had been mooched from various neighbor- 
ing fields. 

When the Keher Picture Show offered ten gold bucks 
for the most beautiful baby of Persimmonsville, Nat won by 
borrowing Cousin John B. Brown's pretty, dimpled baby. 
Nat believed not only that to those who have shall be given, 
but he knew if one gets the best from others, he can win 
honors more worthy than Bridge booby prizes. 

Recently Nat saw an announcement that The Roaster 
of Evansville, Ind., would give a Ford Touring auto, or $685 
in cash, to the person getting most subscribers in specified 
time. So Nat, living near, accosted the editor. 

"I want to win that anto, but I wish to win with as little 
w^ork as possible. I believe in planning ahead and in prac- 
tical management." 

"Alright; what is your idea?" asked Editor Bosstee. 

"Let me know how many subscriptions the person got in 
order to win the auto in your former contest." 

"We can't deviate from iron-clad rules. We must treat 
all contestants alike," argued the Roaster man. 

"But you can also tell the other contestants what you 
tell me." 

"Yes, but if we disclose the number of subs it takes to 
win, then many solicitors won't hustle as they do so long 
as they imagine it requires many subs to win the prize," 
smiled the wily editor. 

"Then let me ask, can you do this : After you have made 
the final highest count, could I pay you sufficient of my own 
money to send your paper a year to a similar quota of 
friends and one over, and thus win the auto?" 

"What!" yelled Mr. Bosstee, "you mean to bribe me? 
That would be illegal, according to Postal laws. In fact, it 
places you, in my estimation, as a more damnable schemer 



59 



than a grafting politician. I cannot waste time on you. 
Remember, the condition of this contest is that he, or she, 
is winner of the anto who sends us the largest number of 
subs and money in envelope bearing postmark of respective 
towns and date, no later than 4 P. M. March 10th." 

Quick as a wireless wave of thot Nat winked, grinning 
with satisfaction, then retreated. "Thanks, Mr. Bosstee, 
for your information." 

The next day Nat got busy. He sent $1 to the V. S. 
Clipping Bureau of Cincinnati, to supply him with clip- 
pings relating to subscription contests. 

In a week Nat had data sufficient to realize that another 
sub contest for a $1000 Hupp Auto was offered by the Effi- 
ciency Magazine of New York, said contest closing with 
postmark not later than 5 P. M. March 1. Another $3000 
Chalmers Auto contest by the Balance Magazine of Chica- 
go, postmark to be not later than 6 P. M. April 1. The 
latter smacked of an April fool joke, but as the Post Office 
authorities permit no jocosity or fraud contests, Nat, there- 
fore was confident of his ultimate success. 

He used his elbow grease to make convincing gestures 
to his neighbors and soon won a few subs for each of the 
magazines — The Roaster, The Efficiency Magazine and 
The Balance. This he did so he would get regular reports 
from each publisher. Then he kept up his "watchful wait- 
ing" a la Wilson on Mexico. 

Often the respective publishers would write: "Why 
don't you continue to hustle? You won the few thousand 
votes on first subs so quickly, we are positive you could win 
the auto if you persevere — for remember perseverance is the 
consistency of get-there !" Yet Nat sat on the lid mum as 
a taciturn Egyptian Mummy. 

As those three contests closed barely half a month apart, 
Nat got in his work closely, shrewdly. He worked it 
thusly, as Pastor Russell would say: Nat addressed three 
envelopes respectively to The Roaster, Evansville, Ind., 
The Efficiency Magazine, N. Y., and The Balance Maga- 
zine, Chicago. These he mailed on varied dates a few days 
before each contest closed. Then he waited to see that the 
letter in question was postmarked. As Persimmonsville 
morning mail never goes out till 6 P. M. train, Nat there- 
fore had plenty of time to return to the Post office and re- 
claim his letter by faking: 

"Postmaster, please give me the letter addressed so-and- 
so which I mailed this morning. I made a mistake and wish 
to recall the letter." 



60 



"Sure; certainly," the P. M. always obligingly replied, 
then ransacked the sacks till he got the precious missive. 

With such canceled envelope as evidence of early, pi'oper 
mailing, Nat gleed triumpthantly. 

When he received the final report from The Roaster 
contest, it said: "Billie Burke of Chrisney, Ind. won the 
$685 Ford Touring Auto, she having secured 200,000 votes." 

Thereupon Nat sent $20 and the names of 20 friends 
to whom he ordered The Roaster as a gift, one year. He 
also sent $1 extra to untie the count for Billie Burke. This 
letter was enclosed in the former postmarked and recalled 
envelope. When these letters were remailed Nat explained : 

"This is the letter I recalled." 

"Yes, I remember," owned the P. M. who wanted the 
honor of good memory in hopes to get more congressional 
taffy. As the stamp was canceled no other mark was placed 
thereon. 

When the letter arrived at its destination the circulation 
manager of The Roaster said : "It's our mistake. We should 
have known Uncle Sam is sometimes dilatory in mail deliv- 
ery. We should have held back the awards a few days. We 
must also award Nat Rep an auto, as he got one more sub- 
scriber than Miss Burke, and the postmark on his envelope 
is previous to our closing time of the contest." 

In the same manner Nat convinced other publishers and 
won a fine $1000 Limousine Hupp auto, but took the cash 
instead, from the Efficiency Magazine of New York, who 
evidently were not very efficient in circulation boosting 
methods. 

When the local weekly Journal announced that Nat Rep 
won another prize in sub contest, this time a $3000 Chal- 
mers Sedan car from the Balance Magazine of Chicago, the 
public grew suspicious, 

Nat was now photographed, interviewed and heralded 
as the champion winner of prizes in America. No other 
mortal had ever won three superb autos in 15 days. But if 
the people knew what little soliciting Nat did to capture 
those autos, they would have been still more astounded. 
Surely Nat Rep was an originator, an organizer and a keen 
observer. Doubtless many others will try to imitate him 
since I have disclosed the plot. However, it has just been 
discovered that poor Nat Rep is a tramp detective of Uncle 
Sam's Secret Service Dept. and he planned those tests to 
trap local postmasters and the publishers. Although Nat 
found no convicting evidence against anyone, he profited by 
the graft. But now the genial, agile Nat Rep has been 
arrested by Federal Authorities because of his imposition 
on the pliant publishers and the gullible public. 



61 



The Henequen Harvest 

Herold Maceo was a poor Chicago lad, suffering with 
"T. B." He was deeply in love with Grace Reynolds, the 
youngest, debonair, beautiful daughter of the wealthy Dis- 
trict Attorney. To get the inevitable match broken, Tilden 
Reynolds, the father, proposed to Herold : 

"I have 10,000 acres of land in Yucatan Province, Mex- 
ico, which I oiatained by granting my political influence to 
a former President. There grows the henequen, the aroma 
of which is excellent to cure tuberculosis — " 

"Do you think I have it?" interrupted Herold, as he 
pinched his flabby cheek, while the skin retained a pale, 
sunken detonation wherever he pressed his body. 

"Yes, tho your kin vehemently deny it, because they 
want you to marry Grace. Now I'll deed you those 10,000 
acres if you go immediately, then stay there and raise goats 
for your living. Mind — you must never write to Grace, nor 
come back!" 

"That's a cold-hearted proposition; but I'll see what 
mother and Grace say," Herold replied feebly but manfully. 

"Never mind what Grace says, and as for your mother, 
I'll give you tickets so you can take her along. If you wish 
the 10,000 acres then speak up NOW ! Here is the deed all 
signed," sternly gritted the States' officer. 

Herold meekly took the deed, then slowly placed it and 
the Steamship tickets in his vest pocket, while he slipped 
out of that granite-sculptured office to which he had been 
summoned by phone. His eyes glared like the green flash of 
a spotted leopard in the River of Doubt jungle. 

That night he confided with Grace in the Lincoln Park, 
where she attested: "Sorry, but go as a brave man, for I 
believe you would regain your health, then you can come 
back to claim me, which shall be real romance for me." 

"But your father said I must never come back." 

"Did you promise?" 

"No." 

"There is always a way for God to lead right if we do 
all in our might." 

"Then good-by," he trembled, as he kissed the cheery 
damsel. 



62 



As she flitted across the campus, Herold waited to see 
that she stepped safely into the Reynolds domicile, then he 
plodded home ; but it seemed the waves of the lake Michigan 
were surging with huger tides, the gulls dipped deeper into 
the moon-lit foam of the blue waters and the air was exces- 
sively salty. 

Monday came when Herold and his mother used the 
Reynolds passage ticket for Progresso, Mexico. It was a 
long yet not lonesome voyage, for amid the modern luxury 
afloat Herold made a few anchoring friendships. 

While going around Cape Horn, Captain Agile spied 
Herold on the upper deck chatting with Senora GaBatta, a 
pretty, oval-faced, dark-eyed, dimpled brunette of a wealthy 
Progresso rancher. 

"Yes," assured Senora GaBatta, "I am qiiieto positvo 
you will regain your health! A young diabetic man came 
from the States just a few months ago, and he has gained 
ten pounds. I ohservar that you write a very nice hand, 
therefore I may be able to get you a position with my father, 
who is also Postmaster and Banker of Progresso. Of course 
you will write to your girl at home," she chided. 

"Certainly. I hope to mail this, as soon as we land," 
replied Herold, as he folded his letter. He saw his mother 
approaching from the star-board, so he quickly concealed 
the letter, then he arose from his racket seat, while he said, 
"Mother, meet Senora GaBatta, a new friend of mine." Mrs. 
Maceo bowed her respects, but Captain Agile, her Mexican 
escort, sniffed his nose. As they sauntered away, the big 
fellow on whose arm the Chicago lady was leaning, exas- 
perated : "Who is that shriveled up brat?" 

"He's my only child." 

"He, your son? Impossible! Well, he better watch out. 
How can such a poor looking guy form the acquaintance of 
such a refined, wealthy lady? Senora GaBatta, whom I 
tried to win — " 

"What! You did? Then leave me." Mrs. Maceo jerked 
loose from her escort's arm, then rushed back to meet 
Herold. She found them dining and wining. 

"Join us," heaved Senora GaBatta, as she lifted a glass, 
and Mrs. Maceo drank, after seated. 

"What do you expect to do in Mexico? Raise another 
revolution?" smiled the Senora. 

"Herold, I think, expects to raise wheat and corn, as 
they do in the States." 

"What !" gasped Senora GaBatta. "But, dear lady, those 
crops don't grow in Yucatan Province ; besides, the land At- 



63 



torney Reynolds deeded to your son, as he told me, is aO 
rocky and grows only cacti and henequen." 

"Well, if the aroma of the henequen cures my son's 
lungs, I will be well repaid, for I have a few hundred dollars 
on which to live for a while." 

They had not been in port long when a telegram was 
handed to Herold, which read: "Father sternly protests, 
so please don't write. Besides, I met another young man 
who seems to think much of me. So good luck to you and 
yours. Grace.'* 

"This undoubtedly is a case of a man in a strange coun- 
try where natives are kinder than the folks of his former 
home," was all Herold ventured, as he bit the yellow tele- 
gram, then poked it into his pants pocket. 

Mexican carts and donkeys carried their belongings to 
their rancho, where they built them a wikiup as a sheltering 
home. They found financial and social conditions in worse 
predicament than any Socialist welfare in the United States 
of America. The surroundings of the country were enor- 
mously rough ; the prospect of making a decent- wage living 
seemed meager and precarious. However, just that year 
the report came that the Spanish-American war prohibited 
the importing of Manila hemp to the U. S. A. As a token 
of loyal love, Herold had just sent Miss Grace a long, green 
henequen leaf. Her father gobbled the opportunity. Indus- 
tries of manufacturing twine were shifted from Manila to. 
Progresso; because within a few months big capitalists at 
the head of the twine industries secretly bought large tracts 
of land from the Mexican Government at 10c and 25c per 
acre. Huge yards were enclosed for storing, and facilities 
erected to harvest and prepare henequen, which grew wild 
and prolific, hence it was shipped to America for use in the 
production of sisal twine, then to bind wheat, oats, rye, 
barley, corn, etc., in the great States. 

Herold found most of his 10,000 acres contained a thick 
growth of henequen ; therefore, he soon contracted to deliver 
leaves of henequen at 75c per 1,000, to the mills and dry 
sheds. As he had learned some Spanish, he could manage 
the peon Mala Indians whom he hired at 36c gold per diem, 
to assist him in the harvest. Thus, in constant contact with 
the juice and agave, the pain in Harold's lung ceased, his 
jaundice skin cleared, his sebaceous glands fattened, he 
ate heartily and lived in open air; therefore, he became a 
new man, virile, handsome, the joy of his faithful mother, 
who had raised a few goats to furnish them kumiss in the 
battle. 

Senora GaBatta now often was in company of Herold 
and the two planned and built the famous church on the San 



64 



Agnacio Haicienda, ten miles from Progresso, which her 
father owns. They also framed laws so every ranch of 1,000 
peons must foster a church. It is now a pretty sight to 
behold the peon white huts scattered over the vast henequen 
haicienda, and especially interesting to see the thousands of 
laborers garbed in pure white tull as they joyously gather 
the long, slender, thick leaves which are manufactured into 
cords, or ties to bind the Staff of Life for America and the 
world. Thus, once a desolate, poverty-stricken country has 
developed until today it is the richest Province in Mexico, 
all because Herold, the deported yet devoted invalid, made 
use of nature's resources and opportunities for love cap- 
tured the greatest trade of the world for Mexico, when Her- 
old sent his old sweetheart, Grace Reynolds, that leaf of 
henequen. 

It takes seven years to grow a tree large enough for 
commercial profit; but since the Spanish war, millions of 
acres have been improved and planted. In one year Pro- 
gresso now exports 850,000 bales, while Merida, the capitol 
of the Province, a city of 60,000, boasts of sixty millionaires 
— which far exceeds the New York per capita capacity, or 
supply. But beautiful Senora GaBatta died. 

Attorney Reynolds took "T. B." and Grace took him to 
Progresso. He never attempted to challenge the title of the 
deed to the supposed worthless 10,000 acres of land he gave 
away, but believing he had been duped with it as a political 
prize and in turn he aimed to cut-throat cupid's heart. Rey- 
nolds grew better, aided Herold and reaped an enormous 
fortune by having sent Herold as he did. Therefore, one 
golden moonlight evening, while picking hibiscus and other 
tropical flowers, amid cabbage-palms and silvery grey 
moss, promenading with Grace, Herold declared anew his 
heart: 

"We have known each other long enough as sweethearts ; 
now, if I suit your congenial temperament, and, providing 
you believe I am able to cherish and provide for you, then 
let us ask the pastor whether he will obey cupid's request to 
pronounce us lovers for life?" and he kissed her kind, sweet 
hands gently, while Grace smiled; then brushing her mas- 
sive black hair back, she tilted her head in soul's rapture: 
"I shall say YES to that, if you deposit the kiss where it 
belongs," and saying so she coyly pointed her cream finger 
to her large, red lips. 

Herold obeyed, like a zephyr of sacredness honoring 
man, while he vindicated : "Come, let us wed, then go to my 
Casa Grande tonight !" 



65 



Table de Medico — Spencer County Rockport, Ind. 

Dr. Shirley Lang Phone 45-J 

Dr. H. G. Weiss Phone 100-J 

Dr. Calder Ehrman Phone 92-J 

Dr. Otto Baumgartner Phone 82-J 

Dr. F. Hackleman, Coroner ...Phone 356 

Dr. G. J. Smith, Dentist Phone 15-J 

Dr. S. F. Bosler, Dentist Phone 326-W 

Dr. W. E. Hartley, Veterinary Phone 103 

Dr. Eva Buxton Phone 107-J 

Dale, Ind. 

Dr. Malousky Phone 89-M 

Dr. A. H. Kokomoor Phone 64 

Dr. John Beardsley Phone 73 

Dr. W. H. Williams Phone 21 

Grandview, Ind. 

Dr. H. Q. White Phone 233-J 

Dr. Herb Stuteville Phone 212-J 

Dr. Chris Biedenkopf Phone 221-J 

Dr. Will Titus Phone 233-J 

Richland, Ind. 

Dr. J. C. Jolly Phone 12-W 

Dr. S. P. Gawltney Phone 303 

Dr. A. B. Thompson Phone 33-W 

Dr. W. G. Lashbrook, Veterinary Phone 18 

Dr. Clay Glackman, Hatfield, Ind Phone 3 

Dr. F. 0. Glenn, Hatfield, Ind Phone 120-J 

Dr. H. L. Lamar, Hatfield, Ind Phone 28-X 

Dr. L. O. Walters, Chrisney, Ind Phone 2-W 

Dr. F. S. Crafton, Gentryville, Ind Phone 23-W 

Dr. H. T. Harter, Newtonville, Ind Phone 35 

Dr. J. P. Coultas, Bristow, Ind Phone 5-J 

Dr. N. L. Medcalf, Lamar, Ind Phone 30-W 

Dr. R. R. Rhodes, Eureka, Ind Phone 17 

Dr. Claud Lormax, St. Meinard, Ind Phone 18-J 

Dr. C. H. Adye, Patronville, Ind Phone 318-J 

Directorio de Apoderado 

Roberts & Savage Phone 76-J 

Brown & Brown Phone 197 

Swan & Mason Phone 121 

F. A. Heuring Phone 186 

Emery E. Boyd Phone 64-W 

Arch Stevenson Phone 142-J 

Smith & McCoullough Phone 90 

B. F. Huffman Phone 56-J 

August Hoch Phone 142-J 



66 



When you think of 

HARDWARE and IMPLEMENTS 

think of 

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Rockport, Ind. 

Agent for Sherwin-Williams 
Paints. Globe Ranges. 



For Expert Auto Repairing 

of all makes of machines 
call on 

Ever Ready Garaye 

Feigel Bros. 

Auto Livery 
Accessories 

Phone 79-J Elm Street 



Call on 

Wade Thomas 

Dealer in 

High Grade Staple and 
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Rockport, Ind. 



HARGIS MODEL MEAT MARKET 

Rockport, Ind. 

Fresh Meat 
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Phone 54 



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Always in the market for 

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Highest Prices — Prompt Service 

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GHAS. DARNEAL. Mgr. 

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Go To 

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For Regular Meals. 

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Rockport, Ind. 



Rockport 
Planing Mill Co. 

Incorporated 

— Our Motto — 

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Rockport, Ind. 



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Breeder of 

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Buff Leghorns 

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Rockport, Ind. 



For High Class Photos Gall On 

J. T. Hodges :: Rockport, Ind. 



67 



1000 FORTY ACRE 

FARMS 

$10.00 PtR ACRE 



FOR SALE 
AT ONLY 



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These lands are located in Walton and Holmes 
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Get a Home for Yourself and 
Children \^hile you can. 



R.E.L. McCaskill Company 

(Selling Agents for Estate of J. J. McCaskill) 
Executors ) R- E. L. McCaskill McCaskill Block 

Of Estate } (^ Vc'ampbeii Dcfuolak Springs, norlda 



68 



LAIRD'S Grocery 



312 Main Street 

Phone S5 

Rockport, Ind. 



The 




T 





Not the Oldest, 
but the best place to 
buy Staple and 
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You 



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Third Week in 
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T. C. Basye, President 
C. M. Partridge, Sec'y 



T. C. Basve 

THE BIG DRUG STORE 

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THE BIG BOOK STORE 

Rockport, Ind. 

You You You Y«u 



Chas. Mayhall 

Funeral Director 

and 

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Phon« 105 

Rockport and Grandview 

See See See See 



For Full Value Buy A 
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For Sale hy 
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Dealers in 

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69 



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The Iniversal Car 



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Auto Repairs 

Phone 130-J Rockport, Ind. 




J. P. 

Ghritsney, Ind. 

The leading Clothing 

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Publiisher THE SUN, a popular 

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$1.00 the year. 



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70 



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71 



Designed 
and 




Printed 
by 



the Lloyd Printing Company 

of Jacksonville and Miami, Kla. 



72 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

018.602 747 4 • 



